All of my life, I’ve been looking…


Depression / Monday, September 13th, 2004

All of my life, I’ve been looking…
But it’s hard to find the way
Reaching past the goal in front of me
While what’s important just slips away
It doesn’t come back but I’ll be looking
All of my life

The fun part of…depression to me, is the nothingness. The *where the hell did last week go* and *did I accomplish anything worthwhile* feeling. Ugh. I know last weekend was busy, too busy for me in fact. I had my lovely friends bachelorette party on Friday evening, a Roaring Twenties Speakeasy Prohibition…so delightful and glamorous. The Jennifer I know and love would have JUMPED on the opportunity to dress up, take control of a party and spend the night out on the town with 27 friends. The Jennifer I woke up to on Friday didn’t even want to go. After I got there, I felt smothered. I had to leave. I escaped under the pretense of needing safety pins to pin together out Brides Salvation Army Flapper Dress. Really, I just needed air. Later that night, I found myself smiling and laughing with the best of them, but hiding in the bathroom for about 20 minutes just to sneak in a random burst of crying. Why? Where? How? Beats the hell out of me but it is who I have been lately and this HAS TO STOP. Talking about it in a *blogging* forum might seem odd to some, but it is a catharsis. It keeps me honest. to myself and my commitment to getting better. And hopefully, it will help the ones I love the most understand…

Saturday was a long day out with the family. First to see my grandmother, then to the nursing home to see my grandfather (which just kills me every time…all those lonely people…craving someone, anyone….life is so unfair.) Then off for dinner with my mother and her husband, my brother and his wife. One would THINK I would have shut down on emotional overload but then, came nature. While waiting for my Aunt Carroll to get home, we all sat outside under the stars and built a campfire. Oh my God. I forget how much I love being this person…the entire time I was zoning, staring into space, 1000 things on my mind….but in this atmosphere, only the pleasant thoughts stuck around…mmmmm. Utter peace and tranquility. So very needed. So perhaps instead of Zoloft and the happy little bouncy pill…I should camp under the stars every night and drift asleep to the sound of the crickets and the smell of a crackling fire. Yeah, no problem.

So what did I do last week? No really? Did I do anything? I went to the fucking doctor on Thursday…uh….and the rest is a blur. I haven’t even been reading the blogs…or my magazines, or writing…where am I? I have so much life to catch up on this week. I did start off on a good foot by getting my ass to the post office to send out my half.com packages (only $40 worth of shipping this time) And I did send out 13 more resumes. So that is good. The restaurant up the street, the nice one Hutch’s is hiring. I need to print out the fancy *At Your Service* resume and go over there tomorrow. Not much else planned…very much looking forward to a long, relaxing weekend.

Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?