I’m so fucking sad. Sick mostly, and sad.
I need this to be over a lot faster.
I want to be settled.
I hate that the Holiday is just around the corner.
Yesterday I looked at three apartments.
One was a studio, which was TINY (and didn’t allow cats, oops!)
One was a good location for work and a great price and had laundry on-site and unfortunately had carpets. And a 3/4 refrigerator. And mini kitchen. And no outside accessibility for my cats.
And one was small. Good location. hardwood floors. Did I mention teeny kitchen? And too much rent in my opinion.
I have to consider the following things when looking for an apartment.
1. I need to be accessible to work and the bus lines. Which shouldn’t be too hard in the city, I just need to stick to the Elmwood Village/Allentownish area. Unfortunately, the truck is in Mark’s name. Of course since he got the truck we have been splitting everything in half: payments, insurance, repairs, registration etc. But that’s a moot point now. I don’t have money to get a vehicle right now. And unfortunately the little bit of padding that I do have for the first time ever is going to be spent putting down a deposit and moving. Fun times.
2. My cats. I have two of them, which limits the selection somewhat because a lot of people say NO PETS. But more importantly, Sasha has become and outdoor cat the last 4 years of his life. He will be MISERABLE locked inside a house on a second floor apartment. And I have to consider this when finding a place…which is not easy at all.
3. $$$. Always money, right? I can afford a place on my own. That’s not that problem. The problem is being able to find an affordable place on my own where I can continue to save instead of live paycheck to paycheck. I had actually thought I JUST passed that threshold and now, well back to square one.
4. My always continuing nightmare. Credit checks. I have HORRID credit. None. Negative. Awful. Debt up to the ceiling with student loans to say the least. I have not a problem in the world paying rent and living expenses yet with a credit score like mine? Let’s just say it will be more difficult. I can’t get into any professionally managed apartments likely (and I don’t want to at all to tell you the truth.) And if I find someplace I really like? I will have to do begging to say the least. Ugh. My past, my burden but not easy to find another place, trust me.
5. I have a current landlady who loves me and doesn’t want to see me leave. She told me that she would lower the rent in the Winter. And help me find a roommate…hard to find good tenants. When I spoke to her Friday this gave me hope. I had a little time to spare…didn’t have to rush out. BUT ugh. The apartment is SO BIG. Too big. The heating bill in the winter is my share of the rent alone, even with the rent lowered I HAVE to find a roommate. Ugh. A roommate? Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to stay in that apartment at all? We moved in there together? BUT it works for location…and it works really well for my cats.
Ugh. I hate all of this. Hate it hate it hate it hate it. I hate the idea that Mark is out there looking at some of the same apartments I am. Hate the idea that I am co-existing in a space currently with someone I thought I knew and planned a future with. I hate the fact that I didn’t do this a year ago…nothing changed.
I pretty much am a sad sack. Lost and homeless. The one thing I want the most in the world is the one thing I don’t have, a place to call home.