Damn! Damn! Damn! (Alternate Title: I love wine punch)

Damn! Damn! Damn! (Alternate Title: I love wine punch)

Tales of an air conditioner gone wrong by allthingsdrinkalittlewinepunchjennifer.com

A few weeks back I broke down and decided life was way too short to be such a bitch and I realized I was NEVER going to get a damn KITCHENAID mixer from a wedding to Mark if I kept being so grumpy because I hate the heat. (Seriously, not jealous of any of the marrieds I know or the child filled friends I know, but the damn KITCHENAID MIXER…grrr…I WANT ONE! Bad.)

Anyhow.

Where was I? Dreaming of Kitchenaid mixers…

Oh yeah. I hate the heat. Front page of Buffalo News Lifestyle Section. AIR CONDITIONER.

Considering just how much I hate the heat and humidity one would think I would already own one of these air conditioner units I hear so much about. But you see. I’m cheap. I used to be just poor. And then DIRT ROCK BOTTOM DESPERATE POOR and now just plain cheap and a little bit poor.

It’s only miserable hot in Buffalo what…6-7 days the entire year? And rarely in a row. I just take 27 quicky showers and deal. Fans blow on me all is ok, except not really ok because in my bedroom if fans blow on me that means cat hair blows on me and I wake up stuffy and filled with unhappy itchyness. I have air conditioning in the office. It’s all ok.

Except when it’s not. And I hate it. So I decided to proactively do something about this situation a few weeks ago when Target had wee air conditioners on sale for $79.99. I secured a raincheck for 2 and thought life will be good the next time it is hot.

But here I am, on the tail end of next time it is hot and Target hasn’t had a damn air conditioner in stock let alone the one they had on special! The raincheck expires on July 24th. This morning when I called and asked, once again, if they knew if they would have stock in the woman told me that they DID last week but they were gone within an hour and they have no control. NO CONTROL? What the hell? We’re not talking barrels of oil from Iraq people! Order more god dammed air conditioners to meet the demand of your customers!

Ok…so I called Target again and they didn’t satisfy, again. I called Home Depot on a whim. And after being on hold for a long time, the woman told me a shipment came in and they had $99 air conditioners and $150 ones IN STOCK. So what did I do this morning before work? DRIVE TO HOME DEPOT TO GET AN AIR CONDITIONER. The entire way there I was trying to decide if I wanted one or two. I might want two at the $79.99 price but at $99? Um, I can just move it from room to room or something…

Anyhow, I get to Home Depot. And SURPRISE SURPRISE no $99 air conditioners in sight. (Wah, wah.) I am ambivalent towards the $150 model, but my friend Jen and Tim (central air peeps) will be staying at my house on Sat. I simply MUST. I buy one unit.

I bring the one unit into the middle room, open up the box and find WAY TOO MANY FREAKING INSTRUCTIONS. And something unattached with screws. SCREWS? DON’T YOU JUST STICK IT IN AND IT MAKES EVERYTHING ALL BETTER? Ahem. The more I read the more frustrated I got. So instead of going dress shopping which I have waited until the very last second to do so I know I am going to find the PERFECT DRESS in EXACTLY MY SIZE for $10!! Cause that’s what always happens…um…

I started drinking wine punch instead. I poured a glass had a few sips and came back in the middle room and asked Mark for help. We got about as far as looking at our outlet when we realized this darn thing doesn’t work. We don’t have a three pronger. And well there are all these warnings and scary pictures in the instructions

“Fire. Hazard. DANGER! Licensed and qualified electrician!”

Forget it. I didn’t want the damn $150 model anyhow. And Jen and Tim will be drunk after the wedding and not even notice how hot it is in the bright orange middle room. Right?

After putting the air conditioner back in the box I realized I needed more punch. Um, and it has gone all down hill from there friends…


Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?