Depression, UGH.


Depression, Personal / Monday, September 27th, 2004

Ok…so when the fuck am I supposed to start feeling better already? I gave in. I relinquished control. I admitted my *illness* (ugh…) is beyond me and I need help to get past this…I am taking the GD anti-depressants. (Ok, only for a little over 2 weeks.) But I am not feeling better. No in fact, last week I think I felt worse. At least PHYSICALLY worse. I felt like dead weight. Absolutely exhausted. Sleeping all the time. Sure the irritable nature subsided some, but now I am just dead tired…and feeling like beating myself up even more. This could be for a number of reasons- I had my first interview last week, and I came home exhilarated…and an hour later I was wrecked. Why the hell have I not been the Jen I know? Why has it taken this long to even remotely get my shit together? What the hell is the point? How the hell am I going to pay rent this month? I have no money at all. I owe friends and family money…and I am still without a job. And pathetic. And even worse, I hate myself for being this person. This is not me. Fine, but when the hell do I get to see me again? I am so sick of waiting. And hiding and pretending and crying and sleeping. I have no way to pay the rent which is due in 3 days. All I can hope for is my google adsense check that they owe me of $300 which came from the sudden random Jennifer Hawkins boom, will come soon…meaning within 2 weeks. And if I had a job this week, I could feel secure telling the landlord that my rent will be late. Because a paycheck will be coming…but I have no job, I have no paycheck. I couldn’t even fill up my brother and sister’s car with gas after borrowing it for a weekend. What a fucking loser I am. I didn’t buy the Sunday paper, because it costs $2. My brother, offered me cat food. Seriously, he gave his feline nephews a half a bag of cat food. All in exchange for me blogging about my cat’s support for John Kerry for President. The Kats for Kerry campaign. Ha. Funny. Actually, it really is but I am not in the mood to be funny right now. My God I appreciate his kindness so much…but what gives? I mean I am 30 years old here…and how much more could I hit rock bottom? I have nothing to offer. Someone near and dear to me has a father who is dying, and I can’t afford a bus ticket to be with him. I can’t afford to send out the bags of packages I need to send for half.com. They have been sitting here for over a week now…what am I waiting for the post office fairy? Ugh. And then even worse, I mean EVEN WORSE…I fucked up in my head when my interview was this week. I was CERTAIN I had an interview on Tuesday and Thursday. I looked at my calendar today and wouldn’t ya know it. The damn interview for a position I really wanted was today, and I missed it. I couldn’t have even realized this information at 10:00 when I could have made a difference. Fuckfuckfuck. Last night, Jackdaw was playing for free. Erin asked me if I wanted to go, I said maybe, I went into my bedroom, went on my bed under the covers said out loud ” I don’t think I want to go, I am tired.” And conked right out cold. Who am I? And when do I get to be this happy Zoloft pill taking Jen? Cause I feel physically worse…more tired. Perhaps the lack of caffeine has something to do with it as well…or perhaps I am finally balancing out the insomnia in my head…I don’t know. But I do feel helpless and pathetic. That I know, well.

Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?