While I don’t wish the ills of Depression on ANYONE, I wish people could understand what it really was like deep down inside…
It’s not JUST being sad over life events.
It’s not JUST Seasonal Affective Disorder due to the endless cold and winter.
It’s not JUST the let down after a fun-filled Holiday Season.
It’s not JUST not eating right or not getting exercise.
It’s not JUST chemical imbalance in the brain.
It’s not JUST readjusting to meds after trying to wean off unsuccessfully.
For me, right now…it’s all of these things at once.
I’m crawling out, but it’s a slow crawl.
Some days are MUCH better than others. Some days I find myself doing things and enjoying them and eating well and getting in exercise and wanting to make plans…
And some days I’m screaming inside my head LEAVEMEALONEJUSTLETMESLEEP and cursing the never-ending headache and body aches that never go away and canceling plans.
How do you explain to someone that just trying to be normal, feels like too much effort? I’ve made it out to see people for the first time in WEEKS the last week or so but after each visit I feel even more drained and exhausted and usually end up with a killer headache and mad at myself for getting this way cause I’m just trying to be NORMAL It can be confusing, because I can be a high-functioning person when I’m in a Depression… It’s almost like I’m watching myself perform the role of “normal Jen” on stage with her friends from a distance.
The days where I feel guilty and sad and hope my friends understand why I am not hanging out and being myself and hope HWMMS doesn’t divorce me for being a pile of nothing—I can handle these days, they are not fun, but familiar. The awful guilty feeling days, the stress and anxious and tearful days that I hate myself, I’m at least feeling something.
But the worse days are the days when I don’t feel ANYTHING. Complete and utter indifference over everything in life. Those are the scary days.
I don’t understand where it comes from…and I don’t have any good explanation of what it feels like to another person unless you’ve been there…but the feeling of NOTHINGNESS and just general blah meh non-existence is not fun. It scares me that my brain and body and soul gets to that point from time to time…and I’ve been there more times the last few months than I care to admit.
I’m very lucky to have an amazing supportive network of people around me to help me get through these moments, and that’s why I feel the need to share these thoughts…there’s nothing to be ashamed about. I can’t imagine where I would be today if I didn’t let other people know about my battle with Depression and what to look out for and how to help me get better. And even though I find myself overridden with guilt thinking I’m too much of a burden (or pain in the ass) for HWMMS to deal with…I realize I’m eternally blessed to have a partner standing by my side, for better or worse.
If you’ve never checked out the post by Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two I highly recommend taking a minute and clicking over, she explains her Depression in ways that I could never get out in words.