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That is how I have been feeling all day.

I’m tired. I have way too much work to do for school in the next few weeks. So what do I do all day? Wallow. Cry. Reminisce. Cry. Sleep.

It was one of *those* calendar days yesterday, November 20th. For the last 15 years, this day has come and gone. Some years I remember, some years I feel awful for NOT remembering the day and I am wrecked with guilt because of it. But not this year. And not last year. How is it that 15 years after the fact that my Dad passed away I can still feel pain remembering him on his birthday? I tried to avoid it, I knew it was coming and I when I crawled into bed for my nap this afternoon, I went to switch off the light and the photo of my Dad was too much. Mind you, I see it everyday. Planned grieving? The odd part for me is that the past two years have been the hardest…well, not including the first two I suppose. Somewhere in the last half of my lifetime I have managed to numb and shut out real feelings regarding all the muck, and the loss…Until last year, my little brother getting married and all grown-up made me miss my childhood immensely. Where has the time gone? This upcoming milestone birthday, 30, half a lifetime ago…So this has been my frame of reference all day.

I tried to snap out of it and think of the good things, by getting all my Christmas decorations out. They are almost all exclusively penguins and having my own apartment for the first time ever, I’m realizing the penguin stronghold over my winter decorations. Winter and Christmas hold almost all of my happy moments with my Dad, going tobogganing and sledding, making snow tunnels, plowing giant hills…played along side of us…God, I just don’t know where all the time has gone. I miss him. I hardly had a chance to know him. And I don’t remember the last time I said I loved him, and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, the first day of school was the next day. Half my lifetime ago, and still real.

So…I get to work tonight and I find an email from my dear friend in Pittsburgh. She had bad news this week regarding her brother, and she and her family have been weighing heavily on my mind all week. Her email today said that he passed away. And I am numb again. And at work at 1 am crying for her, numb for her. Life has away of kicking you in the ass sometimes. So unfair. I mean my dad was very young when he passed, but a brother?

I’m so sorry.

Point of this too much emotional blog. Remember to say “I love you.” And make each day count.