I need a more permanent solution to my problem…

Keesa cat, Mark’s cat…is a total bitch. And a grump. And yet, she worms her way into your heart. I know that one out of every ten tries to pet her I will get a purr in return. And when I get that purr…oh all the other scratches just fade into the past.

I fear, no, I know that my personality lately has mirrored that of Kessa Cat. In fact Mark told me a few weeks ago that he just “assumes I’m in a grumpy mood and goes from there.” (He might have said bitchy.)

Wow. Yikes.

And yet, true.

I need to cut out the grump and bitchyness and have a little more love and sunshine and flowers and friends in my life. Seriously. Pronto.

PRONTO. NOW.

I have changed. I’m not as sure as when I started. Then I was inspired. Now I’m a bitchy and tired.

Life is really short and precious. I’m given so little time to get everything done, I need to really, really focus on the things I want to do. And the people I want to spend time with.

I’m EXACTLY where I want to be professionally, in fact I wonder how I got so lucky.

And I am blessed with a multitude of friends, that I never get to see…

Hmmm. Something’s gotta give. Now. Not later.

I need and want to spend more time with Mark. I love him so…and I want us to be ok…

I need and want to spend more time with my Gma in the nursing home in the evenings. Not have back to back to back meetings scheduled.

I need and want to spend more time with the friends I already have…they seem to come after the meetings.

I can’t do meetings anymore. I need time. Time for me. Time for Mark. Time for friends. Time to cook nice healthy dinners, read, write, play. Now.

Last month? I had a really big scare with my Gma’s health. I honestly thought I was going to be saying goodbye. And let me tell you, I’m not ready to let her go. I still have much time to spend with her…

Last month? And last night…all I could think about was Jen and Mike. And their two little boys that they lost and buried. And their son who lost his brothers. And how the family lost everything. When I heard this news a few weeks ago, I was devastated. No, I wasn’t close to either Jen or Mike. But…in grade school? My first slumber parties were spent at Jenny Saletta’s house. I’m from a small town. And have always been pretty social…at one point I think I’ve been friends with every *group* of people in our graduating class of 140 (ish) We all know each other. And each other’s families. As soon as I heard Water Street and fire my heart leapt…Jen and Mike live on Water Street, most of our class went over to their house after our 10th year reunion. My God. When I think of the details of that horrific night, I just start crying, again. And as the news of the fire swept through our little social networks SO MANY PEOPLE came forward to help. Donations, prayers, support. I just can’t imagine how badly those close to the family are hurting….and Jen/Mike/Brody I have no words.

But this tragedy serves as just another reminder how very precious and short life is…and makes me want to grab hold of those I love tightly. And makes me want to spend time with the people I love and care about the most. You never know. You just never know.

So yeah, it’s been a hell of a month. And I’m out on the other end a lot more self aware.

I need more time for me. Now. My mind is clearer now. 🙂