“How did I get here?”

Ah journals from last October. Good fun.

I had a dream the other night that my ex came to me (at the house I grew up in near the closet in my bedroom) and said he was sorry and wanted to get back together. He kissed me and I pulled away and told him I was very happy now…and um, reminded him he married a Colombian woman and has a stepson. Weird dream…but oh wait! Tis that time of the year.

I’m horrible with dates, I couldn’t even tell you what day it was that we broke up. Because I don’t know. I just know that it was after a car ride back from the nursing home visiting Gma Baker on a Friday night. My brother and Dayna just came back from a psychic for Dayna’s birthday and I got off the phone with them and had a conversation…that went nowhere…and that was it. I only know it was a Friday because he left the next day to teach in Rochester and didn’t come home that night. And didn’t call. And didn’t email.

And that was that.

I started a journal somewhere in there…

I decided for some reason to pull it out tonight.

So I recall, record and recycle…

“I should be sick. I should be devastated. But somewhere deep inside I knew this already and I know it wasn’t what I wanted or needed.”

“Perhaps I did do the right thing at the right time…”

“How did I get here? Fuck, who cares anyhow…”

“I guess I have to realize that I ran out of time. It’s not happening for me. It will happen for everyone else but me. I’m mourning the loss of children I was never going to have in the first place, how crazy am I?”

“Of course while writing all this I still want him to come in and hug me and cry. I want to know I mean something to him.”

“Nothing. The nothing is by far the hardest part.”

“He doesn’t want me. I’m not sure he ever did. I guess I was his ticket out of his dead end job in Rochester…(crying.)”

“It is what it is. And it is over. (It took me a second to write that.) I’m not crying.”

All I can hear are those words “Might not be enough, scared to death—depressed.” (Psychic)

“Despite a common background-common present-and some what similar ideas for the future-there wasn’t any future movement.”

“I’m scared to go home and back to the apartment. I don’t want to see boxes packed. I don’t want to cry.”

“Why did I need more? Why did I push? When do I stop letting the past dictate my future? Why can’t I ever be happy?”

“The universe gives us everything we need…everything is falling in place.

“I’m really just plain sad.”

“Why is this so hard? I was fine all day. And so fine I felt normal. Of course there isn’t normal because that would mean I would be home. At my home. With my Mark. And I’m not. I don’t have a home. And I don’t have a Mark.”

“I became so much of who I am today…in Buffalo…with Mark. I built a life with him. A different life with different people. I didn’t feel like I was missing something or left out. I belonged for the first time instead of searching, longing and wanting. But it wasn’t enough.”

“My dreams are haunting me. I don’t want to cry. I’m being strong. I know better.”

Funny thing happened on the way to this blog post. I was typing these quotes into a Facebook Note and then POOF! I kicked the computer power cord and the computer went black. Just my luck. I laughed. Then cried. I guess it wasn’t meant to be written…

Then put my journal down, stopped reading and turned the computer back on. To my surprise…the Facebook post came back up with all my typing intact.

Um, that NEVER happens.

Weird huh?

Well, anyways I shut the journal and feel like putting it back up in the high shelf, I read enough.

I’m in an amazingly good place, better than I have been in YEARS emotionally speaking…amazing looking at the difference just one year makes.