I’m not sure why. I mean, I have been around loads of people lately. Spent time with good friends in Cleveland last week. Saw John. Went to a wedding. Even went out for coffee yesterday morning. Social Jen at work last night.
I have no desire, really, to delve into anything personal, with anyone at least anyone who knows anything about me, if that makes sense. I don’t feel like emailing. I don’t want to fill people in. I just want the small talk, and really, i could go without that. I would rather hide behind the blog, and read and go to work. Is that so bad? Yes, at least I feel very very selfish right now. Blah. And the good part about this (bad part) it is not feeling like the *depression avoidance* I don’t think anyhow. I am fully aware and in control of this feeling for once (or so I think…) I have things in my head, that are mine. I need to work them out. I almost feel that talking to others, hinders my progress. I need the support and love of my friends, of course. And I appreciate everyone. But I need space and time on my own right now, if this makes sense. It doesn’t have to, but it is how I feel right now. And I don’t want the people I love to take this personally, so I share.
ON A DIFFERENT NOTE: Work.
Work is good. I am beating myself up for not being in the swing of things months and months before. I hate myself a lot over this actually. Perhaps this is something to do with the above mentioned avoidance?
The person I am working side-by-side with is a great person. We met yesterday and chatted the night away. He just moved to the area from St. Louis, to be with his fiance (who he dated for 8 years much of it long distance) HER name is Jennifer. SHE lives in Buffalo. THEY are getting married on, dadadada NEW YEARS EVE this year! (Jennifer loves winter weddings…) AND when he said, downtown…I said, let me guess…*at the Hyatt?* PRESTO! He answered *where else?*
So this new friend co-worker of mine is marrying a woman named Jennifer who is living out my (and her) dream wedding. Seriously: Winter, New Years Eve and at the Hyatt Downtown. MY WEDDING! Needless to say, we hit it off nicely.
The one thing I find hysterical is when I tell people I am 3 classes away from a JD. I always get this wholly impressed *Good For You* *Wow* *You must be smart* reaction. And the sad thing is, I feel anything but. I squandered away the last, good God, 6 years, playing with the MSW and JD programs. And still nothing to show for it. Smart? Ha. Pathetic.
And here’ss another question?
Sleep? Is it normal to wake up several times throughout the night?
I mean, I obviously was suffering from insomnia a while back…and two weeks ago, all I wanted to do was sleep. NOW I am at a regular point of sleeping. But I also realized that my regular sleep pattern always involves waking up several times and falling back to sleep. Most of the time I awake from a dream, or find myself wanting to grab paper and write down thoughts that are forming essays in my head…lines, quotes, ideas. I rarely indulge and turn on the light though. So I wake up with this foggy feeling that I had all these things I wanted to explore in the morning. And what was that dream? :Yeah. Perhaps I should start exploring a sleep journal. I think that might be a good idea…