Dating, Personal / Tuesday, October 4th, 2005

When things are good….things are really good.

I mean I have a great job at the PERFECT Non Profit Agency in Buffalo. Could not ask for more.

Law school? I am ready to finish. FOR REAL. And I want to. I haven’t been this person in years.

In years.

I feel like me.

I love me! I HATE the *other* me.

When I am the me I love. Other people love me too.

I met John a few years back when I was good Jen…

And then, well…

I have not been me in a long time. John fell for me when I was my normal self. Busy, happy, energetic, optimistic. And he stuck by me when I was depressed self…

Someone please remind me that it is NEVER a good idea to write that letter to the ex…you know which one, that one.

We broke up last year around this time. Um, I broke up with him last year at this time. The conversation was one of the most difficult ones I have ever put myself through. It still kills me thinking knowing I hurt him…(I had told him that it really wasn’t working, I was not happy and my *friend* who was just my friend at the time, was coming into town for the weekend cause I invited him…and that meant, well, I was willing to expand my friendship with this other man…and needed to break up with John.) Awful. AWFUL.

John is the only man I have ever allowed myself to REALLY fall in love with. The only man I allowed myself to completely see me…the good and the bad. And he only wanted to make me happy. Of course, making a depressed, unemployed girlfriend miles and miles away happy is nearly impossible. I did my fair share of making it so…

Not everyone understands this. I know…but I do. And I think he does too. And my heart breaks thinking about it.

Although now? My heart is not quite breaking anymore. I can picture a future without him in it…and truthfully? This has only happened, well, in the last 2 months or so…once I became *me* again.

I miss him. I love him. I miss his friendship…but I don’t think of him everyday. I don’t need to share 100 things with him anymore…moving on.

We got in touch again this past Spring. And one of the times I went to visit Mary in Annapolis, I went to see him in Arlington. At work no less! And I fell in love all over again. And I could not handle knowing that things would still be stalled between us while he was figuring out if he would be in NYC for Grad School. And at this time? I was accepted into the NYC Teaching Fellows Program. John was soooo supportive and excited to see me FINALLY get excited again…In fact, he set up an email account for me AS WE ALL KNOW this did not happen. I freaked out about $$$. And I decided to stay home and finish my law degree, NYC would be there next year. And so would D.C. Of course, a future, a good future was waiting in NYC as well…and I turned it down.

And I can honestly say that I made the right decision. I am happy with where I am.

But I know John is in NYC right now. And I know I could have been in NYC right now. And I could NOT handle knowing that I was still in *unknown* territory with the man I loved. So I said to him “all or nothing” I can’t handle it. He chose…well, I haven’t talked to him since…he needed time.

Fast forward to now. 5 months later. And a year after breaking up…

I am happy. And healthy. And moving on…

I can actually have thoughts of the future without cringing. Work full time and go to school full time? NO PROBLEM! Find time for friends and family! No problem! Read, walk, play, love, like, kiss! No problem!

And for some reason, I want him to know that I am ok. And I want him to know that I am sorry for my share of our problems. And I want to wish him the best of luck for his future…

My dreams at night have been pushing me…and I am not sure what to do.

Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?