Neither here nor there…

Well, doesn’t that sum up just about everything in my life lately!

My mood took a serious turn towards disastrous yesterday afternoon. After being on a very happy work high in the morning. Crash. I came home from work and went to bed. And woke up around 3:30 am.

I am neither here nor there…At work.

The waiting is the HARDEST part and I am becoming far too agitated to pretend to smile and stuff envelopes anymore. And this makes me sad. I love where I work. I want my future to be there. I would like to know if it is going to be sooner or later…or if I am going to have to do a real search outside of the agency I love because I am not a good fit for the position I interviewed, twice, for.

The bad part about the waiting? I sit at the front desk and greet all the competition coming in the door. And a week after the last 2nd interview. I am still sitting at the desk watching the competition coming in the door to hand HR a large Manila envelope. Talk about a tail spin. I think I interviewed well, but I am aware that I might not be what they are looking for. I understand this. I will be disappointed, of course, but I understand. I just prefer to know sooner than later.

I put in my resume for this position at the end of February. I thought for certain, for CERTAIN I would know before I went to Boston next weekend . In fact, in my naive world? I was certain I would be getting my first paycheck with a real human salary by the time I went to Boston so, oh yeah, I could afford to go to Boston for my friends wedding. Ha. Nope. I guess I have to pay rent late instead. Smiling pretty and leading people to their meeting spaces doesn’t pay enough for me to pay the rent AND take a weekend trip to Boston for a friend’s wedding. That’s just the way it is. I am talking $28-35K as a normal persons salary.

I have already decided it is necessary to find an after work part-time weekend job. Of course, when I have a boyfriend I love in a city that is not mine, the idea of never seeing him because I have to work to make an extra $100 a week breaks my heart. Of course he is planning on being in Buffalo by July. Neither here nor there.

And then there’s the house I live in. You know yesterday? Before I went to bed? I decided NOT to go out the backdoor and let my kitties roam free or get the mail. Why? I didn’t want my landlord to come over for a chit or a chat. And he notices when the mail is still there. He told me this when I called him back this weekend from Rochester. “I know you weren’t home cause the mail is still in the mailbox!” Sigh. Notice is served. Our apartment pretty much consists of boxes everywhere. We have 2 more months to go. But I want out. The boxes serve as a catharsis. Even if I can’t afford to move out. I’m just keeping fingers crossed that somehow, either I will be working in a new position in the next month at the agency I am currently at…or win the lottery. Either or.

And then there’s the blog. Neither here nor there. I’m not loving WordPress. I don’t have a lot of time to play and just want to post. When I had time on Monday? I was somehow locked out of my account. 🙁 Of course WNY Media came to the rescue, but I posted over at blogger first. And now I guess I am just going to double post. Cause I can’t make the new page look like I want. And I can’t get the old page to look how I want. Blah. Pick a page any page. Pulled like taffy from both directions and awfully tired of this game. I sign off. Of course, I remind myself that my life today…is a billion times better than it was this time last year. I have no real reason to complain about anything. I have a job at the best agency I could ever want to work at. Amazing co-workers. Wonderful friends/family who love and support me. And Mark, who is not legally bound to love or even LIKE me, bit seemingly does 😉 I have enough $ to pay the rent (sometimes late) and make it back and forth to Rochester. And I am not begging or borrowing (although I am not paying anyone back yet either) Life is good, I’m just really, really tired and frustrated and torn over being pulled and waiting…for that next GREAT step.

Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?