No More Guilt
I turned 40 a few weeks ago. One would think that by this “reasonably adult like age” that I would no longer feel guilty about simple things in life, like, missing an event, right? Wrong.
And it’s time to do something about it. Starting now.
Seriously. Why the guilt?
Since I’ve moved to the Southern Tier where the snow, well, tends to come down a lot. (Except during polar vortexes apparently, ahem.) I’ve realized that driving 45min-90min one way for an event which might take that long or longer to drive in because of the weather isn’t worth my time. (Mostly the weather on my end of the world, a lot of times if I can get past the 219 it seems clear…) And it’s not that I don’t want to attend such events, for example my Leadership Niagara Class Graduation in the beginning of December or…well, my ADPi Alumnae Social tonight…but I really, really REALLY despise nighttime driving and driving in the blowing snow at night. My night vision is HORRENDOUS. Documented at the eye doctor as such I think…HORRENDOUS. I see glares and streaks around lights like no one else can (thank you cataract surgery from 15 years ago…) My artificial lenses reflect light oddly (people have noticed in certain lighting, black lights are AWFUL for me to be under) and this carries over to headlights, street lights and makes it even worse in the rain or the snow. Serious stress. This past week I visited a friend in Erie, PA and found myself driving home during a rainstorm and by the time I got home I went to the sink and almost threw up I was that tense. And last night, HWMMS was driving home from an event and it was treacherously slippery, snowy and windy from Boston/Hamburg all the way to Springville. As in HWMMS said we should not be out on the road right now…and that wasn’t any sort of “storm warning” and it wasn’t me driving…just regular ol’ snow on the 219 in the Southern Tier.
I love where I live. I love snow. I love events. I love spending time with my friends. But I dislike driving in bad weather when it is not necessary even more. So why do I feel guilty or think that people are going to be mad/disappointed? Why do I feel the need to apologize when I know I’m making the decision I want to make for myself?
Seriously. I need help. NO MORE GUILT. I know when I weigh the pros and cons over driving somewhere and I know what decision I want to make. I need not second guess and feel badly about it!
Know what? I don’t even NEED to have an excuse to not want to do or go somewhere. I can just choose not to without feeling guilty! Depression moments and driving ickyness are lovely excuses but so is NO EXCUSE AT ALL. I’m 40 years old. If I choose to not attend the Junior Derby Bout tomorrow with HWMMS and my friends because I want to sit at home and watch the Broncos beat up the Patriots to get in the Super Bowl. I CAN DO THIS AND NOT FEEL GUILTY! If I chose to attend an event last night but choose not to tonight for whatever reason, I CAN DO THIS AND NOT FEEL GUILTY. Yet, I do, sometimes.
Strangest part of this whole life dilemma…if someone else isn’t able or doesn’t want to attend something when I’m planning it or plan on attending , it’s fine. No need to apologize if you don’t feel like coming over and doing the drive to Springville. No need to feel badly if you just aren’t up to coming out to the latest whatever event because you aren’t feeling it…it’s okay! How am I able to be ok with others but not with myself?
Am I alone out there in the world? Do you have the guilts as well? If so JOIN ME IN MAKING THE YEAR 2014 all about what works for YOU and not make yourself feel one second of guilt or wrongdoing over it!
And for those of you emotionally stable enough in the world to wonder why on earth anyone would feel guilty over such things? Well, congratulations for reaching a point of enlightenment that I still struggle with at the age of 40. Pray for me and those like me.