Notes on Depression

Depression / Sunday, May 16th, 2004

Flights of fancy, mercurial moodiness, brilliance, visionary imagination, brooding, morbidity, despair, sensuality, mutability all are aspects of bipolarity.

Once upon a time, I thought this was me. I realized I am just a normal person with the big D and well, moments of moodiness. My moods would LEAP from moment to moment though, not stay days at a time.

Depressives cling to failing romantic relationships, they persist in pursuing dead end Ph.D. projects

Um, yeah. Raising my hand high!

Failure to disengage can cause depression and depression can make it harder to disengage.

True. So very true.

In practice, depressives make mistakes of every variety- they only impulsively drop a winning strategy just when it is the verge of success, and then they will double up on losing bets.

Oh dear God, tell me about it. Yep, been there far too many times.

Certain sorts of interpersonal sensitivity like the type where small rejects send you into a tailspin are suspect. Excessive of guilt, insecurity, and self-doubt all bear looking into.

Ask anyone who knew me 10 years ago about how this statement applies to me. Um, yeah.

Depressives complain that they cannot grieve- the blankness of depression extends to the pain of loss, muting it so that the depressed feel very little all together.

I find it interesting that in the moment, I totally agree with this statement. The BLANKNESS. have described the D this way so many times in journals…but when I am OUT of it. I can’t even remember for one second what it was like to feel this way.

Typically such a person will say: I don’t understand it, I went through…and here he will name one of the shameful events of our time. “I lived through that and in all those months, I never felt THIS.” THIS refers to the relentless bleakness of depression, the hopelessness, the emptiness, the self as hollow shell.

Sigh…see above comment.

Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?