Something happened along the way of trying to be happy.
I got an email from the landlord reminding me about the rent for May AND he wants to do a walk through on Thursday so he can start scheduling appointments.
I don’t have the money to pay my rent here this month AND first and last month plus cat deposit at a new place. Who is he kidding?
At the same time, I need his reference. His good reference.
But…in my life money and apartments are always going to be things that suck. Forever. In fact I still owe my friend $ who helped me cover the deposit when I moved LAST YEAR. Damn paycheck to paycheck.
I haven’t really started looking, but I did tonight. Emailed and left messages. We will see.
After that I had to take control over something. Packing. Packing is the one thing I have control over. I started packing. And packing. And packing. And was listening to RENT (because I thought at first it was coincidental “How we gonna pay?” but ended up making me cry at the end.)
I started taking down the pictures I stupidly and drunkenly DUCT TAPED to the wall last year when I found out Mark was getting MARRIED. And the pictures started to make me cry. Sad. Lonely. Missing people. Missing a life I never had and might never have. Missing Grandma and Grandpa Baker like crazy (where does it come from?)
I had to stop.
My heart is hurting for a friend who had a breakup last night. I called her and got voice mail. Thinking about her lots and hating the facts of life. Why aren’t good people like us able to just find someone and be happy like everyone else? Dammit. Breakup talk reminded me a lot…painfully a lot of Mark. That last conversation. The awkward hug on request by the woman of course. The no emotion. The knowing this was the right thing months ago and still…hoping. Longing for it to be the right one…
So much for the good mood, right?