Regular readers of All Things Jennifer will know that I adore this writer…Ah, if I could only have her insight, her wit, her style, her views on Buffalo…life, love…WAIT A SECOND?

Am I suffering from memory loss? I have been up for 40 hours straight now…unable to sleep…I should be looking within for spiritual guidance, blogging the inner sanctuary of my soul to a higher place of goodness and being…I wrote an article, under the pseudonym of Mary Kunz (borrow, not steal…) and submitted it to the Buffalo News Editorial Staff and it was PUBLISHED! I mean, c’mon? This town ain’t big enough for the two of us!!! I know not else what to say…so I shall reprint *our* ideas as originally printed in the News yesterday, in full for your consideration.

Maybe I can be shiny happy V.P. of Kunz-land? A co-conspirator, a partner in crime…a kindred. Out, out of the closet all Elmwood Strip Progressive Women Republicans! Unite and be heard. Reporting for duty!

Let us shy away no more! Shall we email and meet at Cafe Aroma and stand together talking proud and loud! (Let’s get a table by the corner…?)

I am finally at peace…I am not in need. Good night…until tomorrow dear friends…

Dirty secret revealed: I’m a Republican! to the tune of I am Canadian?
By MARY KUNZ

It’s no fun going through life feeling different. It’s terrible to be living a lie.

Which is why, with all that talk at the Democratic National Convention about tolerance, I’ve decided it’s time to come out of the closet. I can only hope that my friends can respect me.

Buffalo, after all, can be a little narrow-minded. There are other cities where people like me are not only tolerated, but encouraged. The greater the display, the better, in those towns.

But a lot of us Buffalonians are here for good. Our friends, our families, our houses are here. And if it’s true that America has room for everyone, as Democratic keynoter Barack Obama said, then we should all be true to ourselves, and not be afraid.

So here goes: I am a Republican.

That’s right: In this Democratic burg, there’s an elephant in the room, and that elephant is me. The Democratic convention made me feel like the Jewish kid at the Christmas pageant. I was an outsider. I was in anguish.

No more, not now that I’ve had the courage to come out. No longer do I have to hang my head like a victim. I am not a victim! I am a Republican!

I cried when Ronald Reagan died and Dick Cheney said: “Here lies a gracious and gallant man.” (I pretended there was something in my eye). When I see Bill and Hillary Clinton embracing, it makes me recoil the way a vegetarian recoils at the sight of people eating flesh. When I hear the phrase, “It takes a village,” I want to take a shower!

This feels great. This is better than running naked down Elmwood Avenue! I’m against abortion! I’m for the war in Iraq! I snicker at how John Edwards went through college thanks to government assistance and used his education to become the last thing America needs, another personal injury attorney.

And how his wife, as if to say, “No, we’re not rich and elitist!,” announced they were going to celebrate their anniversary by going to Wendy’s. (What does he do there, wait till they wash the floors so maybe he can score a slip-and-fall?)

I’m in a blue state because I’m not in a “red” state! I am a Republican!

Sometimes, I have glimmers of hope that I’m not alone. A few weeks ago, in a Hertel Avenue bar, I asked a brilliant and highly decorated World War II vet what he thought of Michael Moore. The vet turned and made sure that no one else, including his wife, was listening. Then he whispered, conspiratorially: “He’s a big slob.”

Still, my confession must come as a shock to many. People think to be a Republican you have to drive a pickup. They think you can’t like decent music. They don’t even think you eat normal food. (Once, when I whispered my secret to a trusted friend, he said: “How can you be a Republican and eat collard greens and brown rice?”)

Even worse, everyone figures Republicans are men. Remember when they made a movie inspired by the romance between Mary Matalin, a top Republican, and James Carville, a top Democrat? In the movie, they switched them. He was the stiff Republican, she was the charming Democrat. Clearly, the world wasn’t ready to see a Republican woman on the big screen. We haven’t come a long way, baby.

But for me, at least, the masquerade is over. And what a relief it is. I can switch off that boring “All Things Considered.” I can lose that worried look all my liberal friends are wearing, and let my optimism shine through. I am a Republican! I’m proud of America’s past and I’m excited about our future.

I’m here!

I’m fiscally austere!

Get used to it!

e-mail: mkunz@buffnews.com