Now for a moment on Depression- A REAL day in the life of Jen(nifer)

I just wrote for over an hour in my journal, but I guess I feel that airing out my mood might kick me in the ass for a change…I need a swift kick…and a good strong hug. Although on days like this when I need the hug most? I’m likely to push them as far away as possible… leave me alone. I need you…leave me alone or I will piss you off…I need someone. Fuck everyone.

Nothing is going my way. Or any way. I hate today. I hate this foggy mood. I hate everything.

I hate that I used the fancy football pastas to make my random pasta and meat in a pan dish for lunch (and supper and tomorrow’s breakfast.) The fancy football past was supposed to be for a fun chicken dish I make, when the boyfriend finally comes to Buffalo. Fuck that, eat the damn pasta. I need no more reminders. The first thing that always irks me when I fall…is this…and this person is one of the few people in the world who gets me, and still for some unknown reason allegedly loves me just the same…and yet since it is the one part I have the most control over…I bend this relationship to the breaking point. I need the pain…no one needs to drama of me…I should be alone, anyhow. What is the point of trying? Better to be alone…do I purposely fall for the men who are fiercely independent and consumed with their own lives? Or do I push all of them away…

And what about the friends who I have not called back? I let the phone ring…not wanting to answer. Not wanting to jump into the Jen they know and love…too much work. Just be me. Let the voice mail get it, again… God, I hardly deserve them! All I need to do is call them…but I don’t…I will just hide behind a book or a blog instead.

I drove up Elmwood today…and while driving I stopped at the red stoplight in front of Le Metro. Inside Jen voice said “Le Metro! I love it there…I should walk up here for lunch sometime, by myself…” Then the depressed reality Jen voice kicks in “You idiot, you can’t afford lunch there at over $10 for a fabulous tasty sandwich! And you know you would want a glass of wine, to savor the moment…forget it, get it out of your head.”

Out of my head until I asked the roomie where she was going on her date tonight. “Le Metro” she happily chimes. Le Metro? TODAY? Seriously…

And tomorrow, I get to go home to *babysit* my grandma. Yeah, someone needed to be home with my grandma, she no longer can be on her own. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? My heart is broken…she can’t be sick, she is the one who takes care of all of us, she is the one I learned my enabling tendencies from! Not gma too…her husband lies alone in a County Nursing Home up the street, just waiting…for his time….and now my gma too? I can’t handle the thought. When she was rushed to the ICU a few months ago, I was floored. “You mean GPA?” “GMA! What?” And although she is not in the hospital now, she has not fully recovered. She just got out again a few weeks ago…I’m going home to babysit my gma. The only person in my life that is stable and makes sense. The one that took my brother and I under her wing as her own when my dad died, and my mom remarried. I’m not ready…I will not let her go…I did not spend enough time with my dad and his sister (my other favorite aunt) before they died. I regret it everyday…time I should have spent, things I should have said…but never got the chance.

I didn’t let this happen when my Gpa first fell sick…I would drive home twice a week, just to sit with him and watch a baseball game in the home. I hated him in the home. The one thing he never wanted…was to be sent away. And now he is there, all alone. My amazingly strong Aunt Carroll goes to visit all the time…but he is alone. I spent quality time with him, I’m at peace with his situation. Same goes for my Uncle Bill. Who was rushed up to Buffalo unexpectedly in the middle of one night…and I was there to greet him. And sat and by his side every second. And sneak him McDonald’s food, and jumbo shrimp in the hospital. At his side during the surgery…which didn’t help…brain cancer, tumor too fast…a matter of weeks…but I made sure he was never alone.

I’m not prepared to think of my Gma in this light…not time yet. I need more time…I told her we would make bread, I need to learn her way…and she said “Oh, Jenny, I am too weak, I can’t do that anymore.” And I just got off the phone and started to cry.

And to make the day even better…I was driving my roomies car to the credit union, to deposit a few personal checks from friends to get things together for the weekend…because my account has $.36 in it…yep. Cause I already spent the $80 the boyfriend in Virginia sent to me, via mail, in cash…(cause apparently losing $80 wouldn’t be a big deal…to me? Ugh!) to reimburse one of my plane tickets…cause I can’t afford to visit my own boyfriend on my own. And on the way? The tire that was giving her problems goes flat. Dead flat. Bearer of good news…AAA came out and there is a tiny tire on, for now. But can she afford new tires and a rear alignment? No…charge it. Can I help her pay for it because I feel like it is my fault? No…Seriously…there are people in this world that a flat tire brings a bump in their day…they would call their husband to come pick them up…and then go right to the brand new tire store, and spend $453 on new tires and an alignment without thinking twice about it. Not rich people, but middle america people…and all I could think about, while watching the repair man change the tire…is HOW on earth do I not know how to change a tire? While in college, a private college, in my sorority…we had an informal chapter meeting one time where a man came in and taught us *women* how do do all these things…was I listening? No. Even worse? How am I, on paper…so together and normal…less than a semester away from a LAW degree…a solid resume under my belt with excellent references…and yet I sit in the parking lot, unemployed (barely making the rent by selling books and CDs online) with my broken glasses, a flat tire, and $.36 in my checking account wondering why I thought I might not need Zoloft to get me though this clinical life of depression…oh, because I don’t have medical insurance to pay for it…maybe? Nope. Not it. So why? You tell me.

..all I know is that I am having one less than beautiful day. I think I am going to bed.