Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

I couldn’t sleep last night. Just couldn’t. My family and I have been through this several times over the last few years. But walking into the nursing home on Sunday, it felt different. I looked in the group room and just started crying. I was never going back there again to see my Gpa. I felt it. It scared me. I spent so much time with him when he first was placed in the home. I HATED him in that place. And I refused to let him be alone. I went down one or two nights a week during school, just to watch baseball, wrestling, attempt to convince Gpa to join in on the crafts…participate in long Yahtzee tournies…all of it. And after I was without a car, I sent him mail, cards every week…tapering off to every other week…once a month…as Gpa faded away so did I.

So it was no surprise that I spent most of my day on Monday cursing, praying, angry, sad, scared…I wanted it to be over, we all did. I couldn’t imagine him suffering any longer. But I also know that “most likely will not make it through the night” sometimes means days…I went to work last night, knowing I would be heading home in the morning, but not knowing what I would find.

I couldn’t sleep. I tried to read. I tried praying, all I could do was hug *dog* and cry. By the time 6 am rolled around I suddenly felt this odd sense of peace come over me. I instantly was greeted with a vision of my Dad, waiting for Gpa to join him…my Dad and Gpa were very close, when Dad died, Gpa lost his best friend, not just a son-in-law. And Uncle Bill was there too (he passed away a few years ago, suddenly and quickly in the middle of my grandpa’s illness) and with this thought I fell asleep. An hour later I woke up to the phone call from my brother. And just started to cry. When my Aunt Carroll was rushing to the home, this song was on the radio…

When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go.
When I look to the sky something tells me your here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost something tells me your here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here.

Strangely enough, I found myself talking to Gpa, telling him that we would all be ok…and that I loved him. Telling my Dad to take care of him…I have grown light years from 15 years ago when I had to say goodbye to my Dad. I realized how ineffectively I handled this grief 10 years after the fact, when Gpa got sick.

I know that I’m a prisoner
To all my father held so dear
I know that I’m a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye

I wasn’t there that morning
When my father passed away
I didn’t get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I’m sure I heard his echo
In my baby’s new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

This time, I said my proper goodbye. Time to move on, time to walk alone.

“Nowhere’s home and I’m all wrong”

My God, we have been preparing for this moment for so long, and I can’t believe it’s here. Tomorrow and Thursday are going to be heart-wrenching. My Gma just lost her sister on Friday. And now her husband.

My brother? The strongest most reliable person on this planet. I don’t know what I would do without him…but Gpa was a father figure…Tim is too young to be the man of the household…but strong enough to accept the challenge. I just want him to be ok too…and Bren…same for Bren…what a day* And thank you, 1000 times thank you Aunt Carroll for everything. You were there for Gpa in ways I couldn’t bear to bring myself to be…There is a special place in heaven for you.