I haven’t been here for a LONG time! The original purpose has fallen through with the whole accidentally falling in love bit. NOT that I am complaining. I mean it has been 32 years. It’s about time right!

Anyhow…I needed a space to write this. So I’m back.

After my *unmentionable* freak out with man who who moving to my city to be with me which scares me to death…earlier this week…

I came to a frightening conclusion.

I’ve lived all my 32 years of life *in and out* of like and various states of unrequited love or not very good for me relationships, you name it. And through it all there are two people I always assumed I would *be* with (again) at some point in my life.

*No, I will not define BE! Ahem!*

One is a man who I had one brief encounter with, but flirtations for miles and miles…nice man has come into his own (again I shall not define…use your imagination) since I had the pleasure of spending time with him. I just assumed it would happen again. And maybe again. And again. But nothing serious.

The other is a friend from when I was 10. Schoolgirl crushes abound. A good friend and still very flirtatious. He has witnessed the goody goody two shoes blossom into a two bit whoring virginal lady.  And I always assumed one of those drunken nights…well.

Again, neither of these men are in that *When Harry Met Sally* way. I had a few of those too. One from college, who got married. And I assumed would divorce, following step with the movie of course. BUT we’ve lost touch. The other is a man that should have been, after college. I should have dated this man instead of the one I was with for, gulp, 6 years….but I didn’t. We didn’t. We visited each other from miles away. Sent cards. Daily emails. Phone conversations. BUT, he married someone last year. And I am truly happy for him. No interest remains. All my unrequited Harry types are no longer in my repertoire.

However, now I found someone…amazing. And unexpected. I mean the last man I dated was the first man I envisioned a future with. The real future- marriage, kids…Political careers. BUT for some reason I knew…better?

While dating, I was still in constant flirtatious touch with *friends* (nothing improper, I think) I knew the asexual man would never really be what I needed (or wanted) and I could pretend no longer. The break up crushed my heart, I truly loved him and for the first time I could say that I knew he loved me. Me. But I needed more.

(Enter 1st man I mentioned in this paragraph) Wheeeee!

Anyhow. I’m in love. We are planning *our* eventual wedding. I want to fall asleep in his arms every night, forever…

HENCEforth- I will never, ever have the opportunity. I always *assumed* (knew) would be there, with these other men. NOT that this is a *bad* realization. It’s just the first time, ever, EVER in my life that I realized this was true. Ever.

1. What does that say about me…being scared to death about serious relationships? (Ahem!)
2. This is a normal thought process, right?

Aside: Sigh…it would’ve been fun 😉