It’s been a while since I’ve talked about.

Well…

You know.

So anyway.

Yesterday Mark emailed me about stopping by after work to pick up stuff I have for him. The way we’ve been doing this is…I leave the box on the porch, he stops by and picks it up. No communication. I can’t see him. I just can’t.

So the fact that I got an email from him and it didn’t bother me, as in seeing his name pop up and having that gut feeling of UGH… was a good thing. Even better? I was still at work at 5:30 goofing around when I realized Mark was stopping by and I didn’t have the stuff outside for him! OOPS!

I get home and I decide it is the night I’m going to get a Christmas tree. I put the box for Mark on the porch and I goof around on the computer and it’s getting late and all I want to do is go to bed. But I want to get the tree and, well, time passes and Mark still doesn’t stop by and I glance down at the phone and see my phone number pop up, my old phone number, our phone number, HIS phone number and like an IDIOT. I pick it up and answer.

ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS it is a RARE occasion for me to pick up my phone and answer it. I have it on vibrate and never on me and even if I did I usually let it go to voice mail and call someone back. I just am not a phone person, unless I’m caught at the right time.

And I PICKED IT UP.

Sigh.

I already knew better. I was supposed to go out and get a TREE this time. The first time I left stuff outside, I had all the lights in the house off and I was in the bedroom reading until I knew he was gone. When I peeked outside hours later, my heart was so sad to see everything picked up. The second time I left stuff outside, I BLASTED Christmas Music, had a drink in my hand and was doing things around the house. When I peeked outside an hour later, I wistfully sighed and went on to listen to a sad song and cried. And then moved on…

LAST NIGHT I WAS GOING TO BE GETTING A CHRISTMAS TREE.

And instead? I answered the phone.

VERY BRIEF conversation. Basically, he’s not coming, his truck broke down we will arrange another time. Bye.

I couldn’t say bye fast enough.

I was SO ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR PICKING UP THE PHONE. I was sad. I’ve been doing so good. SO GOOD! I felt bad that the truck was broken down. I remember thinking in the beginning of the breakup two months ago, two months? that I wanted us to try to co-exist until the end of the year, so we could both be in a better place financially before making any final decisions. MY GOD WHAT A TERRIBLE DECISION THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN. I’m glad he had the foresight to see that, I did not. I was an anxious, emotional glob of goo who KNEW the right thing to do, DID IT *for once* and then regretted and panicked. Not my best moment.

And since the *click* in my head that made me take up Rachel on her offer to stay with her until the apartment situation was sorted out, I’ve been good. Sad, appropriately so. Not as sad as I thought I would be over HIM either. Depressed in the overall big D way, clinically. And months of therapy delving into my past? Oh yeah, not easy or fun…but not about Mark. All about ME.

I was surprised to realize this month since being back *home* how much it is about ME and not MARK or US. I feel so sad thinking Mark might be struggling right now when everything, EVERYTHING has fallen in place for me since breaking up. I miss him from time to time. I love him still, OF COURSE.  And this might be odd to say and perhaps I need to figure this out with my wizard sometime soon, but…I still love, and did love Howie and John when we broke up as well. It’s never been a betrayal or something awful or feeling unloved, it just hasn’t worked out timing wise? Or I need/want more or…or…Is that weird? Maybe, but it’s who I am.

I certainly loved Howie and wanted to see him happy when I finally ended whatever it is we were doing, still. I was more worried about HIM when he got together with my friend from college than I was with my girlfriend getting hurt. I wanted him happy and it was never ever ever going to be with me. We both knew this. Not sure what took me so long to do something about it though. Live and learn.

And John? Forget about it. Of course I still love(d) John. I never wanted us to end. John was *the one* and I always assumed we would comeback around in time. I just picked the wrong time. And then perhaps the wrong time again. And then I met…

Mark.

Of course I love Mark or I wouldn’t have been with him…but just loving someone wasn’t enough for us. Breaks my heart, but it wasn’t. When I met Mark I was NOT looking for a relationship, certainly not with someone like him. I was dating, and looking for a John clone, who I FOUND and was dating a while too along with Mark, but man…that man was not even a little bit John. And then I realized I was spending all this wonderful time in the here and now with a great guy who I was so comfortable with and POOF! It hit me. Just like that. Despite the hesitations I had over ultimate future problems such as religion/wanting children we became us.

And three years later, the us I fell in love with wasn’t enough…

And there I was answering the damn phone when he called when I was doing SO GOOD.

The best part of this long, long story is that…I got off the phone and cried. And wanted to go to bed. And then said NO. And got up and bought the Christmas Tree.

🙂

And getting the Christmas Tree made me happy. I had years of Christmas Trees all on my own. And years of Christmas Trees with a boyfriend far away. And well years of Christmas Trees with a boyfriend at my side.

And last night, I was alone putting up my tree. But not in a LONELY way. In a by myself way.

And it was good.

UPDATE:

Today? Tonight…tonight.

Mark was going to stop by before class. I was on the computer and heard him open the door to leave things in the hall for me. I waited a few minutes and then went to the door, opened it and THERE HE WAS (wearing the Spidey hat I gave him that I love so much) and he was flustered and I was flustered and well he handed me a travel mug he forgot that was in the truck and I said thanks and we left both doors half closed and half looked at each other and I said “oh, thanks, bye” too quickly and shut the door and watched him shut the door and thought WHATTHEFUCK and walked away to find my phone ringing and it was a friend and I picked it up right away and all was well…