Two Sizes too LARGE

Personal / Tuesday, December 16th, 2003

Let me tell ya, I miss the blog outlet. When my girls are misbehavin at the Orange Security Threat Level…the office computer is off limits. The cold, dark hallway wings of the cottage are not conducive to ANYTHING but staring into the abyss and trying not to fall asleep while doing so. We DO have two lamps in each hallway, however the *criminally spirited youth* (see description below offered up by Larz Lehnen PHatD.) enjoy stealing the lightbulbs…Yes. Lightbulbs. For their own purposes? Who knows, a broken bulb is a weapon for self-harm or harm to others…perhaps they just want to burn the midnight oil and read? Or perhaps they do it out of spite because they KNOW I sit down there and read…whatever. I’m one up on THIS GAME. I now BYOlB. Bring Your Own Lightbulb…to work. And dutifully take the lightbulb out of the lamp and put it into my locker every morning before I leave…pathetic, but necessary. TODAY (tonight) I’m able to blog for a while only because in an haphazard attempt to disable the door alarms in the hallways, little did they realize the doors are now locked…ha ha ha. All they have to do now is pull the fire alarm to open the doors which would mean evacuation…oh wait, they did that on the SUNDAY overnight. As annoyed and frustrated as I’m to hear of such nonsensical behavioral reports over the weekend, I’m secretly relieved that the joyful characters did not attempt this game on MY shift, very refreshing to hear they are Equal Opportunity Harrassers because I DO take it personally-they absolutely hate me. HATE me. Hating a staff member equates into a staff member who does their job. Henceforth- hatred. BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO WASTE MY TIME ON.


Oh…and here is the definition according to the DSM-XXVII proposed by Dr. Larz himself…(reprinted and blogged without permission of course, so sue me. or lets settle over lunch.)

345.12 Criminally Spirited Youth. Axis II of course.

Criteria: Must exhibit five of the following seven criterion over a course of no less than six months or twice in eighteen months. Criminal spirit can not exist comorbid with other axis II disorders or schizophrenia. Criminal spirit can not take place entirely within a manic phase of bipolar I or II.

a- frequently assumes witness position during acts of hostility. Does not respond to efforts toward peaceful redirection.

b- prone to conspiracy (esp. to harm).

c- external locus of control, inability to form cohesive sense of responsibility and/or lacks sense of purposeful remorse. Superficial response to punishment, guilt, or blame. [reminder: can not exist
comorbidly with antisocial PD]

d- inability to control impulsively. May be expressed as pseudo-impulsively. MHP must recognize inherent plotting mechanism of which this pseudo-impulsively is part

e- lacks effective(internal)system of order. Dwells in setting that surrounds individual with poor examples of positive behavior (external). No realistic supports OR no realistic ability to utilize supports [reminder: can not exist comorbidly with Borderline PD]

f- no fear of god. Atheistic behavior. Wears dark, colorless clothing frequently.

g- engages in age-inappropriate behavior across two or more of the following dimensions:
i – sexual
ii – interpersonal (plots and contrives)
iii – problem solving
iv – health / nutrition

Treatment options include: sterilization and jailing. Often used simultaneously in ancient times. Isolation in conjunction with effective unyielding-rule based-isolation reinforcing- counseling has also proven effective in significant (p=>.05)studies (see lehrer and vaches 1998)

I would like to personally add to Criterion F
-Hoodies (must be at least 2XL in order to qualify)
-And Kobe Bryant Jerseys.

County Home Residents Need Visitors.
One moment please while I cry out of sadness for these poor people.

“Many Erie County Home residents will be alone on Christmas, and the facility will have annual visitation program from 1-4pm December 25th.

Volunteers at the main entrance will have the names of residents who will be alone, along with information about them that would be helpful to a visitor. ”

Seriously, I can not even start to think about this. I am crying while typing. My G-D bombed bleeding heart. As most of you know, the nursing home is absolutely positively my least favorite place on earth followed by the cemetery and Brooks Memorial Hospital. My Grandpa is in the nursing home. I hate it. I HATE thinking about him alone in the nursing home. When he was first admitted, I made sure to visit him all the time. I could not stand the thought of him not being at home. But now, I try to send cards as frequently as possible, and I need to be with others when I visit…it is too disheartening for me. I’m too weak, I hate it there. I wish I could get past this, but I just can’t.

Curse the fucking, yes FUCKING system that does not allow for affordable in home health-care for people who lived long, hard lives and provided for their family the best they could…a veteran no less. Double Curse to the people who put their loved ones in a nursing home and forget about them or the poor people who are left alone with no family and friends to visit. I walk into the home, a nice building in general, the upgrade is quite nice and I see all sorts of people CRAVING attention, a smile, a touch. Then I walk past the rooms, and see the TV’s left on for days and people sleeping to pass the time. Some waiting for attention from the attendants, the sparse, overworked, underpaid and sometimes hardened-heart attendants who do not get to all the people waiting for bedpans, still on the bedpan, or lying in their own mess because no one could get to them on time. (And only hopefully, the situation is COULD NOT GET TO THEM ON TIME and not did not…I know all too well. And it disgusts me.)

This coming from a former Student Assistant at Legal Services for the Elderly. A position that pays, no joke $25,000 for a FT attorney. (I made $8/hr. through work study.) The woman who accepted the position while I was there, had been a volunteer for some time, and was lucky enough to have a husband with a very nice income, enabling her to take the position. There is just NO feasible way that a recent law graduate with a student loan bill ranging between $60,000 for a Public University and up to $120,000 for anything else…could take this job. No possible way.

So many injustices and so very little time. A 1000 stories of mistreatment to share, and soooo very very very many more out there which are never told. And the thing that kills me to think about is, there are not many people in the world with the kind of compassion that is needed to fill these positions. And only a handful of lawyers who can afford to do so! I know that when I am visiting my Grandfather, I have to escape and hide in the bathroom at least twice a visit to cry. Cry because of seeing my strong, grandpa in such a weakened, spiritless state…and cry because of all the people around him without family visiting. YET, YET. I can put on a smile, I can cheer the others. I COULD WORK WITH THIS POPULATION. I did at LSED for over a year. I loved the work, but I, I…well. I don’t know. The paradox that is me. I also feel the same way about the population of children I work with. Not many can do it. I can, but sometimes much too much to my own detriment. However, it is a calling I can not ignore. Love me for who I am, and comfort me when I get assaulted, or threatened and need to bitch for a while…knowing there is the rare occasional glimmer of hope that what I do, REALLY MIGHT MAKE A DIFFERENCE, is all I need to go on.

Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?