Unnamed. First of all I think the rehab/nursing facility my mother is in is one of the most depressing places on the planet. With that in mind, I write this post.
(At least I came home and took the dogs for a short walk before getting on the computer. I needed to get a little bit out of my own head.)
So yeah. I hate myself. I went to visit mom tonight, when I got there she was asleep so I sat quietly for a few minutes in her wheelchair. I didn’t want to move the other chair closer because I knew the noise would wake her. The wheelchair is a tight squeeze, the first time I sat in it I thought holy crap I’m fat.
I’m sitting in the wheelchair in one of the most depressing places on the planet, my mom is next to me sleeping. and all I can see is my reflection in the mirror directly in front of me. Fat. Ugly. Nine million chins and neck, gut out to —there. Unhealthy. Pathetic. I hate myself.
How embarrassing. How do I go our in public looking so shitty? How do I represent our community? Myself, my own business? All I see is someone I hate looking back at me. No fancy camera angles needed, just a direct hit in the mirror.
Wow. I let myself go, seriously let myself go. My mom looks light years better than I do and my mom has been in freaking rehab home for a month and has two million serious health problems.
I seriously hate myself. No wonder I’m depressed, all I have to do is look in the mirror.
While there my brother called to wish mom Happy Easter. I didn’t even chime in and say “Hi! Happy Easter!” I just sat there quietly pondering my reflection, feeling sorry for myself. So pathetic I don’t even want to wish my brother a Happy Easter? What is that? All I see is a giant disappointment. I hate being this person and not being able to explain it to him. I’d much rather just hide.
On the way home I really wanted to cry. And I couldn’t. I was thinking what’s the point of it all. NO not any active plan in my head to end my life, I’ve never been there before. But I sure do hit that wall of if I didn’t exist it wouldn’t matter.
And then a bunny rabbit launched across the road in front of my car. NO I didn’t hit it, thank goodness I would have lost it…but as a symbol that reminds me of my childhood, I sort of shook myself out of the funk, at least long enough to come home and take the dogs for a walk.
Tomorrow is another day.
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