Along that showtunes theme…

“Take Me For What I Am
Who I Was Meant To Be
And If You Give A Damn
Take Me Baby Or Leave Me”
“Take Me Or Leave Me”

This song sits damn close to my heart. Also a sing out loud tune (I seem to have many of these!)

I am who I am and that is A LOT to handle. I am well aware of that. And I never really expected anyone to want to *tame* me. Take me or leave me. And up until 2 years ago? I wasn’t even willing to allow someone to REALLY love *me* Sigh…sad but true. I never imagined someone WOULD love ME. The me that I am, not the me I want to be, not the me I can be, not the me I hide from me. But me.

Does that make sense?

For some reason I did allow someone in…but he could not be everything I need. He was someone who knew the essential me, all of her. And he wasn’t enough? How demanding am I?

“Yet, if he said he loved me,
I’d be lost. I’d be frightened.
I couldn’t cope, just couldn’t cope.
I’d turn my head. I’d back away.
I wouldn’t want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.”

I have been involved with three very different men the past few years.

One I loved.
One I wooed.
One I *you know*

Somewhere out there, there has to be JUST ONE man who I can be all of these people with. The one I love, understood and loved all these parts of me. The first man to do so, however he did not match me in all those areas…

I want it all. I need it all. I know this about me. Demanding, but true. I wouldn’t be seeking out other people to meet those needs if I felt whole…so I keep seeking out parts that I need to be fulfilled at different points in time. And I am usually successful for a while, but then become tired and weary and want, well, something different. Something more…again. I’m not sure why, but I hide from the possibility of finding it all. I keep finding wonderful fragments of possibilities for my future, but no one real.

The fact is, I don’t want to be found…what happens if I am found? SOut of my control.

Someone, somewhere is going to have to break me…and until then? I have to find the next wonderful fragment.

“Off into the world we go, planning futures, shaping years.
Love bursts in and suddenly all our wisdom disappears.
Love makes fools of everyone: all the rules we make are broken.
Yes, love, love changes everything: live or perish, in its flame.
Love will never ever let you be the same.”