Depression, Personal / Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

“I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.”
-e e cummings

I’ve decided I should never have kids. Why?…because mornings like this morning? Make me want to stay in bed all day.

1. I want to stay in bed all day because of the amazingly gorgeous cooler rainy weather. (Love it.)

2. I want to stay in bed all day because I feel stuffy and sneezy and congested and end up blowing my nose all night long and have no semblance of a restful sleep despite the AMAZINGLY beautiful cooler weather. I can’t count how many times I sneeze in a day and it is only worse when I’m at home. What the hell am I allergic to? And why is my Allegra D script $100 for 30 pills WITH HEALTH INSURANCE? I’m miserable. And going to the doctor is only going to cost $$$ that I don’t have. And never will…I don’t think I will ever not live paycheck to paycheck. This depresses me immensely.

3. I want to stay in bed all day because right now, searching for the next best thing, the golden ticket opportunity of a new career, is exhausting. I can want something more than anything and end up with nothing. Last night? I wanted to flee. I wanted to apply to the NYC Teaching Fellows program and somehow get myself to NYC. Somehow, I can’t afford it, I know. But I could be in a classroom, actually making a difference. I could be paid to get my Master’s Degree and then in a few years come back to the city I love, not get married, not buy a house, and not have kids (because of the paycheck to paycheck thing) BUT have a worthwhile career.

Everything feels possible and impossible at the same time. I’m exhausted.

Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?