2018 Morning Pages

Saturday, January 6 (11:02 am)

I woke up for the first time in days without a headache. COULD it be the humidifier? Not sure, but it felt good. Had a weird stress dream about getting everything done – work – sort of related. Apparently we had told Jolene and Tom we would meet them in the Berkshires for the weekend. We were all sharing the big cabin we had for our honeymoon. When I said to someone we were going to drive to meet them I then out of nowhere remembered it was Baker Family Christmas and (some other work thing I couldn’t miss) and there was no way I could do all of the things and I didn’t remember saying that date was good in the first place, I had it on hold and and and and. Well, I guess that was where my brain was because this morning. Despite waking up at a 7 and without a headache the longer the minutes went by, I got up at 10, the more stressed I started to feel. I should have bought the stuff for the dips and had the presents wrapped yesterday. I should have done work for the chamber and told Bill I wouldn’t be available on Monday, yesterday. I should have got up early and taken a shower and prompted Chuck out of bed so we could go and see Tom at Emerling about the car by 10am but, I didn’t I was still in bed until 10am when the puppies wanted out. BAH. Funny how the brain works, right?

I don’t like the overall negative feeling I get when I think of the chamber and being reviewed. I imagine it’s because I know what I am not doing and I should be. But I don’t like the lingering foreboding involved. It’s a weird feeling. I honestly don’t ever remember having it with other places I’ve worked. Is it me? Maybe. Is it not having anyone to report to therefore reporting back to all sorts of people who have all sorts of different ideas? Yeah. It was a bit weird seeing pretty much the entire board at the meeting when I walked in…that NEVER happens. And to think they were reviewing me. How nice, right? Sigh. I take this way too personally and I really need to figure out how to block it.

That said, I need to get off the computer and these morning pages and get to all the things I said I needed to do yesterday. Why on earth did I spend about 8 hours shopping online for things I don’t need, put them in carts and then pin instead and delete the shopping carts instead of doing real things? I will never know. I’m hating myself for it today though and that has to stop.

Friday, January 5 (1:05 pm)

I woke up with a piercing headache. So much for getting out of bed at 7, I made it to the ibuprofen and went back to sleep. Dreams were vivid and haunting and weird. something with Richard. He was very drunk and I was hiding and taking care of him? He was naked in a ball sitting on my lap? Something to do with being at Jay’s house (huh?) Ok brain. I mean Jay was my college Richard. Richard was my late 30’s Jay. Unrequited love best friend. But what the fuck brain? Maybe knowing I had this in my head to write out on the page is what made me not want to write. LOL. (It is now an hour later. I started this paragraph but was whisked away by the lure of the internet. WHICH is exactly the opposite point of the morning pages. Oh well.)

I started into the world of Twitter and became angry over the many idiots out there who voted for and believe in Trump. Makes me sick.

Thursday, January 4 (7:19 am)

I woke up with the nagging headache. The one I get when leaving the house so HWMMS says. Hahaha. Except not. Grrr. I need to track them better. I have to spend a few hours today getting organized for real. Never made that to-do list yesterday.

It is really cold outside. Too cold for anyone’s liking. This Winter is only a month or so in and dare I say, no I shouldn’t…I’m almost over it. AND I WORK FROM HOME MOSTLY. Pathetic right? Something about getting older maybe.

The universe once again manifested in my direction. Custom photo props called yesterday and want me to come in on Monday instead of Friday. Which is perfect because mostly vehicles and driving. Perhaps there’s a chance that we can get a new car this weekend? (Hahahahaha.) At least Chuck can go right to derby after on Friday and not worry about me. And derby is a whole different beast I won’t get into. He loves helping and being a part of it. I just wish they appreciated him back.

Board meeting today. I go in late after they review me. I need to remember I am a peer. I don’t know what it is that makes me feel like I’m 27 years old again. I’m not. Also I really need to just learn to be quiet and go with the flow with the board. If I can do that today I will have won. No more bitching, it is what it is. Right. Right.

Something in me has shifted over the last year or so, the shift that I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything and I prefer staying home above all else. Interesting right? I thought in the beginning it was a part of depression. And I’m sure to some extent it is along with learning more about being an Empath and picking up on the energies of people around me. But a lot of the time I think it’s just that I’m happy, more content at home. Me myself and I. Me my husband and pups. One would think that by working at home it would make me want to leave even more often but no. My instinct is stay at home. All day every day please. I’m already looking forward to not being at work this afternoon and being home for the next few days in a row. If you would have told me I would be that person, 5 years ago? I would have laughed. I think I knew it was in me. As soon as I found my “home” in the country with HWMMS in Ransomville I knew. It was the place I wanted to be the most. At home, with HWMMS.

Do I have to leave the house today? It is so freaking cold out. Sigh.

I have GMA playing in the background, which I probably shouldn’t while doing morning pages because it isn’t letting my brain dump without prejudice but I’m listening to Scarmucci speak about the new book and I’m thinking RIGHT SURE. Ugh. Politics. I can’t believe our country has reached such a low. It’s unfathomable.

The fact that I’m checking my word count when doing my morning pages is telling. I don’t want to write today. I don’t have anything to spill apparently. Either that or more likely my brain is totally jumbled and I’m being lured by what I hear on the TV instead of by the light snoring of Harley boo next to me. Aw, Harley boo. Man I don’t want to leave this morning. (And is that where my headache is coming from???) I should focus on the fact that I want to grab groceries while out today. That will make me want to go out in the cold and try to slip slide with the family truckster.

One more year. If we can make it one more year we are home free. One more year and we have access to all the equity put into Weber Wonderland. All the equity from HWMMS selling his house in Ransomville and selling his mama’s condo. We did not make the most wise financial decisions perhaps and spread ourselves too thin in the end. BUT we are LIGHT YEARS ahead of so very many and blessed beyond imagination. I need to remember this. One more year of working and getting things back on track. We had a five year stretch that would be anyone’s dream. No need to work, able to buy whatever we want whenever we want, entertaining left and right, able to go to concerts and events and shows and fundraisers and buy tickets for our friends. Able to give money to friends and family who needed it at the time without thought that we would be paid back. Ability to wait and find the right job for me. Ability to be able to work from home and get paid a small wage to keep flexibility. To discover I can get paid for writing. Not to mention all the traveling together. A dream for sure. Instead of focusing on all the “we fucked up” part we should be counting and thanking and appreciating our many, many blessings. We got this. Moving forward. One more year until total financial freedom and access and building back up the gifts we have received from his family. Instead of hating ourselves we need to focus on the good. And being better and more mindful for the future.

Wednesday, January 3 (8:09 am)

Well, I’m up. Not quite as early as I wanted, again. But it is the first thing I did after grabbing coffee and turning on Good Morning America. (Do I like GMA because that’s what we grew up watching? Random thoughts. Creatures of habit.)

Woke up to the song “Life Less Ordinary” from Carbon Leaf in my head. “By the way I do know why I stayed away I will keep tongue-tied next time.”

Deep breathing. Man it occurred to me how much oxygen I am not getting in my lungs. I can take a normal breath and then think about it. Take a deep breath. And then fill up one more time. In the time I would take one normal shallow breath. I need to do better with this. I have to find time for meditation and deep breathing. I also need to do breathing throughout the day as a reminder.

I’m not sure where I’m getting headaches from but last night as I was heading out to the village board meeting, I had the headache again. The same one I had once I left the house on New Year’s Eve. HWMMS sort of laughed it off and said “you get a headache whenever you leave the house.” HOLY CRAP at least the last two times, yes. Now I want to keep better track of this. Odd.

Harley snooze, so so warm. So sweet. I don’t honestly know what I did before this sweet boy came into my life. (At the exact time I’m typing this, they are showing on GMA a 90 pound boxer that is getting snuggles in their owners lap. Awww.) The fact that he is so warm and snuggly right before getting out of bed in the morning, well, let’s just say I could have been up an hour before. Oddly enough though, he doesn’t get up to go potty in the morning. I assume lazy, and in the winter of course I assume it’s damn cold outside. But still. It’s weird right? I got up an hour later than HWMMS and went to both doors to let him out and he didn’t go either. Instead he is cuddling up next to me on the couch. Bah. I love him. But I worry sometimes. Harley is definitely overweight. And so is Jordan. And I know they don’t get nearly enough exercise and this is all our fault. I do have serious guilt over this. And need to do better. Two 15 minute walks outside at the minimum. But of course in this cold, it has to wait. I really have to do better with Harley though because his leg. I can tell at the end of the night when he doesn’t come running up the stairs. And he’s hesitant to jump on the bed. He needs help to get up. THAT isn’t a good sign, our puppers is only three years old. A goal to work on for sure. Need to lose 10 pounds by June. I wrote 10. I should say 20. Although a pound a week seems like a lot for a puppers.

Haircut. For the love of GOD I need a haircut. I have never ever ever ever in my life been this bad about my hair. I don’t get haircuts often. But this year I haven’t even been washing. Just putting it in a messy dirty bun that ends up in a freaking disgusting knot. I have no idea who I’ve even become and it disgusts me. And instead of doing something about it. I literally keep ignoring it. I NEED to get my haircut. I was thinking I would do it today, but that means I need to WASH it before going into the office and I don’t know if I will actually have time to do that properly and comb out the knots AND get my articles done in time. Pathetic. And excuses. I can do it all and I should. (I wanted to write I will. But I said I should.) Bah.

Work guilt, why do I wait until the last minute to do articles? I needed to do it days ago, I should have done it days ago. I should have done it last night and I didn’t. I do not DO NOT like this about myself and as soon as I finish these morning pages I NEED to get them out. Before Chamber work. Also Chamber work, meh. So very much. And I’m so very not stressed about it. Where does this new feeling come from? Not sure, but I like it. Chamber is not my life, my work at the Chamber is not my life. Work guilt, email about ribbon cutting? Well, maybe a wee little bit. I should have sent out an email blast. But I didn’t. So move on.

To-do list. Send cards. First thing I need to do when I get in the office (first thing or second, I need to get my article written!) I need to get a to-do priority list of work done. And then I need NEED to send personal cards. I have a bunch of people I love out there and I need to start paying attention to them again. MUST BECOME THE PERSON WHO SENDS CARDS IN THE MAIL AGAIN. Minimum, three a week. And that would be random cards. Not including special days, sad days etc. Make this a priority. It matters.

Politics. Blogging. Yeah. Last night instead of doing all these things I mentioned above. I went on Twitter. And then I realized I am this person who spouts about the state of affairs on Twitter and I NEED to get this off my chest and into the world through my blog. It is that important. I just can’t anymore. It’s too much. I can’t stay quiet.

I also worry about the fact that there’s a chance Twitter could end up removing my content. I had one of those moments where I needed to reenter to make sure I wasn’t a robot because of course, I follow and unfollow people trying to find a new and engaged audience. One of these days I could get blocked and all the thoughts I put only on Twitter would be lost. I know this about Facebook and I have been trying to put things over here, but I need to think about Twitter as well. This might mean more politics. But I’m ok with that. Also, I noticed I had quite a few views on that one I put up last night. Hmmm. Because of the content, or the timing of the post? Things I don’t need to think about too much, but someday could look into.

Tuesday, January 2 (7:49 am)

Good morning. Well it’s not 7 am but it’s a start. Last night when falling asleep I thought I need to wake up and be out of bed when HWMMS leaves in the morning, which would mean by am. My alarm went off this morning at 7am and I was like eh, maybe not today. And then I got up anyway because I had to go to the bathroom and Harley needed to go out. And then I swung around to the coffee and set up the computer and turned on the TV and was ready to get my To-Do list started and I thought MORNING PAGES DAMMIT. Yes, morning pages.

Hence, me up at the computer and writing this nonsense post. The point of morning pages is it doesn’t MATTER if it’s nonsense post, it’s words on the page and out of my head. Which is what I need to focus on daily.

The coolest thing happened last night, I was browsing through Instagram looking for new people to follow that were writerly type people and I got a message from someone asking, randomly, if I was a long time blogger. Odd, but yes, I responded. Turns out she is someone who used to blog and linked to me. Not just someone who read my blog and linked but a blogger I LOVED back in the day and followed regularly called Ari Goes Down. How absolutely random and wonderful. A small world for sure. And a reminder that blogging really does make connections out there in the real world.

I was a little despondent about that whole setting goals for the new year thing this year. Not exactly wanting to deal with 2017 and remembering and not quite ready to admit that it is time to set goals and intentions for a new year ahead. I know I need to set real goals and put them out there to make them happen, but…well, it was easier to just be MEH and BLAH. I know I was thinking about statistics. I’m frustrated that I don’t have higher numbers. I know I spent a lot of time this past year getting the blog back into some sort of SEO world, I deleted thousands of old posts and tried to clean them up. I still have more work to go but in general, it is more searchable and manageable. Eventually I have to go back and use those posts for essays—you know to flesh out and publish. I do have a lot of journal type entries also that I want to keep as well. But yeah, deleted a bunch.

I can’t figure out how Pinterest engagement went down so much other than the fact that well, I haven’t used it in a year. (Ha ha ha, I guess I just solved that one.) At one point I had over 27,000 followers and I don’t even know how. And I’ve been bleeding them since. I need to actively go on that page a few times a week and add new followers and put new pins on the page. I want to get to 30,000 followers. Without all the group boards that drive me so batty.

Twitter. I’ve been focusing heavily on Twitter. I want o get to 10,000 but I NEED them to be real followers. There is NOTHING more annoying that seeing people I follow with a huge number of followers and clicking on their page and seeing they are all basically, ok not all, but a lot, or even some…are spammy and trash. No thank you. Even with a lower number, engagement is real. I do get frustrated over this way more than I should though, which is odd. It’s that jealous thing I don’t like about myself.  That said, I’ve really been growing over there and it’s my favorite.

Facebook drives me batty. I was again thinking of getting rid of the All Things Jennifer FB page but I know I need that platform if I publish someday. Again it’s the engagement. I do want to get up to at least 1,500 though. Ugh.

Linkedin is the other one that I’ve flopped and flipped on this past year. I built it up and then went through and deleted about 1000 contacts because, well, they aren’t really contacts. I want engagement not numbers. BUT I have to remember this when I see other people with higher “numbers” right? Again, if I actually log in and engage over at Linkedin a few times a week well, I wouldn’t have to worry about numbers.

My blog. Well…this depresses me and I know I need to move past the numbers. I see the views per post and it makes me sad. Really 20 people? Oh wow 50 people! I notice and it consumes me. I need to focus on getting things out there instead of looking at the numbers. BUT how can I do this? Overall, I had a basic consistent viewing of about 1000 people a month.  Slowly creeping up.

Ok, this is odd that my first focus on the new year morning pages happens to be, well, work related. Ok, the work is all my own related but…yeah.

My point is. I love this stuff. I love blogging. I love writing. I love connecting. I need to make real goals to reach more people outside of the world of allthingsjennifer. I need to pitch magazines. I need to submit essays. I need to get a list of places to pitch and build those relationships. These aren’t out of reach. They are right there for the taking.

I need to do better with time blocking. I have a lot of different things going on and I need to make sure I keep time for my things too.

Crazy, but just this second I realized I already lost my concentration. I somehow opened another page and started looking at dog collars. SEE I NEED TIME BLOCKING.