Dad

“I’m still hanging on — but I’m doing it wrong”
The mind is a powerful sponge.

I just woke up from a well needed nap…to find myself in tears (big, ugly, loud tears that wet the pillow) with the song Promise to Try running through my head, dreaming about saying goodbye to my dad.

My DAD? WAIT? Where did…oh wait, tis November 19th. Tomorrow would have been his 66th birthday.

WAIT, NO REALLY????  WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

Right before I fell asleep, I read this article in Whole Living Magazine. Resources to Help Make Meditation a Habit. My mind is FULL of chatter. Inconsequential thoughts I just cannot quiet, you know the evil, lurking ones that try to bring a girl down….yeah, I need them to disappear. Life is good—why is my brain unable to rest? WEEKEND! Time for peace! Or so I thought.

I did the mediation thing, I tried at least.  I focused on my breath. In. Out. In.*chatter* Out. While clearing my head (hahahaha) the thought occurred to me that the only time I’m somewhat successful at this  task is when I’m in front of a fireplace or campfire, with a purring kitty cat at my side…or watching giant fluffy snowflakes fall. Of course at that moment, I was cuddled up to Sasha Kitten who was under the covers in a ball purring up a storm. I started focusing on his purr…and suddenly I was asleep.

Next thing I know?

Tears.

Lyrics. “I’m still hanging on — but I’m doing it wrong.”

It took quite a few seconds to realize I wasn’t really in my parents bedroom (actually Grandma Smith’s room) and Dad wasn’t really talking to me and I wasn’t really telling him goodbye.

Ugh.

How? Why?

After how many years?

After 21 years how can something feel so RAW AND REAL…still?

And where were these thoughts and feelings buried inside? Damn mediation.  I guess the wee 10-15 minutes of trying led to some unlocked emotion lurking in the shadows. I know my feelings. I know I have never forgiven myself for being a bratty teen who never got the chance to say “I Love You” and goodbye. But what I didn’t know…was…how stuck and afraid I am.

Little girl don’t you forget her face
Laughing away your tears
When she was the one who felt all the pain

Little girl never forget her eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try — it’s not the same

Keep your head held high — ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn’t fair
That’s what you said, so I try not to care

Little girl don’t run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss — kiss her goodbye

Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall
Does she hear my voice in the night when I call
Wipe away all your tears, it’s gonna be all right

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you’d go away, too

Little girl you’ve got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try — but it feels like a lie

Don’t let memory play games with your mind
She’s a faded smile frozen in time
I’m still hanging on — but I’m doing it wrong
Can’t kiss her goodbye — but I promise to try