Whoa. 17? It’s been 17 days since I’ve been sick and staying at home self-isolating? Where does the time go? (I’ll tell ya, sleeping…) Sleeping is a safe place for my brain.

Day #15-16 I pretty much spent in bed. All weekend. MAYBE I was up for a total of 10 hours. And that counts the lying in bed at 4 am after sleeping all day anxiety moments. Chest has been icky mucousy. Chronic bronchitis sucks.(Or Covid-19, I’ll never know since there ARE NO TESTS!) Nebulizer treatments are everything. I’m glad I don’t have anything to do, because apparently this illness (or depression) or who are we kidding BOTH—-have knocked me right out. I’ve used two weeks of sick time.

Sigh. I’m lucky to have sick time. I’m lucky to still have my job (at least until the end of April.) I have so many things I want to do at home – WORK—start seeds, repot plants, bake, cook, write, blog, organize…BUT I’M TOO DAMN TIRED TO DO ANY OF IT. Sigh.

HWMMS put in overtime Friday-Saturday-Sunday while I was sleeping. Setting up the office folk to work remotely. Yay IT people for being needed! It hit me TODAY however when he mentioned about 10% of the staff are being laid off this week that – SHITBALLS he JUST got hired full-time permanent on February 14th. For the love of God his (our) health insurance hasn’t even kicked in yet (30 days, beginning of the month – APRIL 1st.) When he mentioned this I panicked. I mean, yes, he is incredibly useful and needed at this time and is able to work from home and assist everyone. And it is BUSY. But what about in another month? Or two? I’m beyond lucky that I’m not laid off yet…and we will be ok if HWMMS is still working, but what happens…Ok, I can’t think about it. I feel my pulse racing. I can’t breathe.

Shutdown? Pause? Hard Reset?

And again, in general. We are fine. We are better than fine. And yet, I worry. I’m scared. I’m REALLY scared for our most vulnerable citizens, healthwise & economically.

‘If coronavirus doesn’t get us, starvation will’: A growing number of Americans say they can’t afford to stock up on groceries – “We’ve been without food for four days,” she said. “People are panicking. I’m disabled with no vehicle and don’t know what to do.”

My mind is running rampant… Imagining life in 6 months. Praying and imagining life after the election… After Dear Leader is removed. Rebuild. Restart. But mostly, my headspace is in the alternate timeline. Dear Leader reigns supreme. 6, 9, 12 months from now. Terrified.

9/11 we all rallied together as a country, against one common enemy. Today, our country is splintered and compromised from within, against each other as a common enemy. How did we fall so far? I’m so scared of what the next few weeks will bring…

I can’t say the words in my head because I’m afraid they will be used against me once Dear Leader starts rounding up his opposition. This is real life. This is America 2020.

SO HERE I AM TODAY ON DAY 17!

I FEEL BETTER. Woke up at 10am did laundry, had coffee and organized cleaning supplies and entryway DID SOME WORK FROM HOME! Huzzah!

Honestly, it feels like we are all in a FUCKING APOCALYPSE MOVIE. I sit here on the computer working pretending things are normal. I’m working from home, I have coffee…everything looks completely fine from Weber Wonderland. BUT NOTHING IS FINE.

Does anyone else feel like Rick from The Walking Dead is just about to wake from his coma and leave the hospital for the first time?

Are there zombies outside? I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been outside!

The daily updates on the local numbers aren’t making me feel better. While facts and transparency are EXTREMELY important, these numbers are barely the tip of the iceberg. SO MANY people sick, not tested. SO MANY MORE people walking around with the virus and not sick, not tested.

In an alternate timeline, all of America could be tested. And America would be helping our allies across the world. Holy fuck do elections matter…

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I need to get offline more.

Offline time is good.

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