Well…

My Gma Baker is resting in peace, she passed away this morning.

The family got a phone call yesterday afternoon and all went down to the ER/hospital and stayed at her side. She’s been not healthy for sometime and I think the entire family was grateful that we didn’t say goodbye two months ago, but not one of us expected, this. Everyone was getting ready for the Baker Family Christmas at the Nursing Home on Sunday.

Ugh.

When I arrived at the hospital, my mom was, well obviously unwell…she was saying how she had never seen Gma like that and almost fell over. I tried to console her and thought there’s no possible way Gma could look worse than she did two months ago.

And then I walked into the room and almost fell over. I turned out immediately and broke down. Yes, yes she could look worse.

All the siblings and eldest grandchildren were with her. My brother and I said our goodbyes late last night before going home, knowing…well…

And this morning, Gma was still with us…struggling, but more peaceful. Her breathing wasn’t as violent and it was just a matter of time.

My Aunt and Mom strongly felt my Uncle Bill in the room, scary but reassuring. (Uncle Bill passed away from a brain tumor years back before Gpa. As it turns out, my mom, her two sisters and brother were all in the room with Gma praying when she passed. Mom told Gma she could let go and be with Dad (Gpa) and she took her last breath.

I jokingly said later to the family that Gma probably died of shock having all 4 of her kids in the same room holding hands and praying. Someone else said that Uncle Bill was sick of playing Yahtzee with Gpa and needed another partner.

I’m numb. It didn’t really happen. I can’t begin to wrap my head around it and don’t want to. And truthfully, I don’t have to. Not right now. It’s all too much…I can’t.

Tis the holiday. Tis Little Brother’s birthday.

Tis Gma…

The last string holding our family together. Our home. Gma.

From the point of my life when dad passed and mom remarried, Gma and Gpa Baker became our surrogate parents. Grandma and Grandpa’s house was OUR house.

And now we both, in our short lives…have lost another home/family. The fact that I’m not yet 35 (although painfully soon, and the fact that 35 was the age my mom became a widow plays heavy on my heart and mind as well) I and have more immediate family who have passed than will be at our Christmas dinner table is haunting.

Haunting. Chilling. Horrible. Sad. So, sad. With my Uncle Ron’s passing earlier this year, that was the last of the Smith side of our family. And now, the other side is fractured too.

I’m so very thankful that Gma is at peace now and not suffering, she had a hard life and didn’t deserve the last few years.

I feel very alone. More alone than I’ve felt in a very, very long time. Already it’s the holiday and I can’t help but miss Mark. Knowing that the very last thing that Mark and I did together before breaking up was visiting my Gma in the nursing home…well…yeah.

And seeing all the couples. My mom and Keith, Tim and Dayna, Carroll and Dan, Ellen and Ken, Brenda and Lori…yeah. Makes me realize how very alone, homeless in a sense, I really am.

The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world with Mark was to make a home together. Be a family…have children and carry on the values I hold so dear and were passed down from my grandparents.

When I reevaluated my priorities a few months ago, I realized I wanted three things: to spend more time with friends, to spend more time with Gma and to work on my relationship with Mark (and myself.)

Looks like I’ll be spending lots of time with friends…

But right now, I just want to be alone. Alone and sleep. Alone with my kitties. Alone and bake and bake and bake. And cry.

And as my brother said, we’ve had more than our fair share, we better have a good 20 years before dealing with this again.

Pray for peace. For just a few moments. Make it through the weekend.

I miss my Gma so…

Love you Gma, say hi to the fam from me.