Grieving?

I think I’m grieving.

Grieving the life I just assumed would happen someday but never really made the right plans for.

A few weeks ago, I had a few too many drinks and found myself at home and miserable. Depressed, dark, sad…thinking about the very stark truth of the matter, I really might never have a family.

The very next thought that went in my mind for one second involved the idea of raising a child by myself in a few years if I don’t end up finding a partner. But then I laughed and realized one needs MONEY for a sperm bank and even MORE to raise a child.

Ha. I guess the joke is on me, right?

Sigh…

Growing up I always assumed I would 1. go to college and 2. have a family.

And now here I am….going on 30 plus…ugh…SIX years of life and I’m probably farther away from this life than I ever have been. (Of course I feel and look like a 26 year old, which might be part of the problem too, I’m stuck in time.)

Not that I’m not HAPPY mind you. I’m learning to live in the present (something I’ve never been good at.)  I’ve dated quite a few people since breaking up with the ex. In fact, I count SIX men that I have been out with at least 3 times each since the break up. (And that’s not mentioning other crushes or long shot unrequited ideas that from time to time flood my mind.)

I just don’t know what to do…I don’t want to find just somebody. And when I find a partner I don’t want to rush into babies. But it’s not even about the clock ticking anymore, my clock was ticking when i was with a man I wanted to marry and envisioned having a family with.

This blatant truth, grief process is brought to you by biology. I’ll be 37 this year. And I’m partnerless. Chances of me having a baby decrease by the hour. And while I don’t think about this on the surface day to day, I find it secretly killing me inside. What did I do wrong? Why can’t I find what everyone else seems to be able to find? Why am I flawed? I would be an amazing mother. I love children. I  just assumed…they would be a part of my life.

You know what happens when you assume…

I’m tired. Today, this week, I’m tired of pretending. The fact of the matter is…I likely will never be a mother.  And this thought is foreign to me. No, I’m wrong. I will…someday. Someday, somehow. Right?

Maybe not.

For reals. Maybe not.

I’m not exactly sure what my life is supposed to be about if I don’t someday raise a family. I know I need to have a professional job I love that serves the community to make my life complete. But equally important in that SOMEDAY category was raising a family. Without this component I find it hard to imagine what the rest of my life will be.

And during those rare moments that I’m brave enough to look in the mirror for the truth of this fleeting, but factual thought…I grieve.