I have an interview tomorrow. For a position similar to what I do now, that I have already been told pays less. How much less is yet to be determined.

I’m 37 years old. 38 this year.

I have 4 years of undergraduate private school loans and endless law school debt I will never pay off. Ever.

I live with my choices daily and in general, I’m pretty happy with who I am and what I have done with my life.

And then there are days like today, when I’m feeling utterly sorry for myself and pathetic.

I had an interview a while ago for a position that I went overboard preparing for, only to find out in the end it wasn’t what I thought it was. I removed myself from consideration and my now ex-co-worker got the position, it pays a little more than what she made…less than what I make.

I have this interview tomorrow, I know I’m qualified. But I still usually delve into preparing for hours and hours ahead of time. Tonight I looked around a little it, meh…and then ended up searching for information on the person I’m interviewing with. I found that the person who just LEFT this position…is now hired at the place my other ex-coworker, the marketing manager, got her job at in December (she since left for a DIFFERENT position only 2 months later that she was being wooed for.)

My ex-coworker is 10 years younger, worked where I did about 8 months longer and ended up at this private place making, at least $10,000 more a year. 2 months later, she got an even better offer. And now the person who just LEFT the position I’m applying for is…well, obviously making $10,000+ more also. This girl looks to be about 25 years old.

I’m 37. I found this career field late in life, I realize. But something is inherently making me feel icky about the idea of interviewing for a job a 25 year old just left to go make more money.

Friends, I don’t make a lot of money. I’d LOVE to see $35-$40K at least in my next position, you know, taking a job that isn’t a lateral move. But in this economy? It seems I can’t even get a LATERAL MOVE.

Hmufgh.

No, I didn’t apply for the job that makes $10,000 more. I realize there is more to life than a paycheck and salary and happiness goes a long way when you love what you do…and this position is in Niagara County, closer to where I will someday live, if I ever can afford to someday get a car.

I feel like a schmuck.

A big fat OLD loser schmuck.

My future is leading me to Niagara County. I need NEED a car if I’m going to live out there. Either that or I need to get a job where Chuck works so we can car pool everyday (unlikely, he is still looking for FT employment also.) I NEED to save up money to get a cheap car since I can’t get a car loan. $6,000 less a year will make a huge difference in me reaching this goal.

My other goal? Involves getting healthy. This is an entire post (blog in and of itself) but I need to get healthy. And taking a job that pays less that requires a 90 minute bus commute to and from work everyday is NOT going to help me physically realize my goal to get healthy. Right now, I can walk to work and walk home and I get in 45 minutes a day without even thinking. I need NEED NEED to get moving. I hate mornings and knowing I would have a long ass commute on a bus might cause a whole different level of physical discomfort. 3 hours more to read a day, nice. But up too early and sitting on a bus and coming home tired on a bus? I don’t foresee me making healthy life choices in this situation.

YES I need a new job. YES I need to deal with my stress better. But I don’t think that opting to interview at places that are ultimately putting my future on pause even more is the answer.

Two weeks ago…anything but where I was now was the answer.

Today? I disagree. What will I think tomorrow? Is anybody’s guess, but I just don’t feel like I have the energy to put my best self forward for something that I can’t ultimately accept. I should have said this right away when I had the phone call talk about salary, but…

But, my head has been foggy lately.