Bah.

The image of the kiss in the movie as I wrote about below really reminded me of the fact that of all the *boyfriends* I’ve had (1, 2, 3) I can’t think of ONE kiss like that with any of them. Sigh…the long term ones I mean.

My very first sweetheart from High School…ah yes, he kissed me like that…two hands on my cheeks “I love you Jenny Smith” in his family’s cherry orchard on the picnic bench next to the lake. To die for. I remember that one soooooooooooo well. Maybe I was spoiled from the beginning?

And then there was the boy in college who kissed me on the 13th plank of the Allegheny bridge (as a freshman, he a sophomore) during the PERFECT fluffy snowfall. Absolute perfection, what movies are made of… And now that I think about it, he and I had two other very memorable smooches in our short dating period as well (perhaps I was just especially taken by this gentleman?) One time he fell into a snowbank in front of the post office on campus and stayed in the snow until I “promised to kiss him.” I do recall several of his fraternity brothers nearby and well, it was a good kiss once I pulled him up. (Snow kisses=good memories.) And I had one very public smooch with the same boy, a few weeks after we stopped seeing each other…in the basement of some house party hands to my face…up against the wall. Holy. Shit. I recall that…(I’m not one for public party affection one might say and at this time in my life I was sooooooooooooooooooo innocent, virginal and good.) My, after that kiss we left almost immediately and couldn’t stop kissing all the way up the hill.

Smiles. I guess he was a sweetie.

My point…was…I love love love love it when someone touches my face when they kiss me. LOVE IT. And yet, the men I loved the most in my life, the ones I spent years with, never got that memo I guess. Despite the prompting.

Months before Mark and I broke up I was in the office talking with my co-worker friend Jen about Ron Hawkins and his song Rumours and Whispers. And the line “till it feels, like it’s always been this…infinite, all encompassing kiss…” and how I was drop dead pit of my stomach on my knees swooning with desire when I first heard Ron sing this line live. (Of course the fact that I was maybe 3 feet away from Ron and it was the first time I ever heard the song had something to do with it too. )

ANYHOW…I said, somewhat under my breath at the time “I wonder what that feels like.” And Jen caught me and said I should know with Mark, right?

Sigh. Yeah, right.

Or not so much. I knew, yet I didn’t want to know.

So how is it? How that the three RELATIONSHIPS I have been in are the ones where I can’t remember well, anything head over heels romantic kissy? Why do I hate myself so much as to not think I deserve such a thing in life? The voice in my head tells me “I want, I expect too much…” When really? What I expect is normal. I give…why don’t I choose to be with men who give back?

Questions I’m exploring with the wizard.

And everyday of my life…

I see it happening a mile away. I knew it pretty much off the bat with Nerdy Boy and yet, I was taken…he needed me. He was romantic and sweet and adorable and trying so hard and and and…when we kissed, it was LOVELY. The kissing certainly clouded my vision, I anticipated a Z redux (the nerdy boy from Virginia who I was talking/dating at the same time I met Mark.) MY GOD was Zack needy. I thought for sure Nerdy Boy would be the same way and as soon as I kissed him it would be over. But…it didn’t turn out that way. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely. And perhaps I was a bit greedy, because it sure is nice to be treated in such a lovely manner. At least in one regard.

Yes, the kissing clouded my judgment which my sister-in-law told me and I didn’t want to hear. Did Not Want To Hear. Nyah, nyah, nyah…my ears are plugged I’m not listening…atheist, nope… Smooching. Good. Sweet. Kind. Adores me. Smooching is very, very good…he can’t be that bad.

Oh shit.

Yeah, that lasted not long at all…I woke up sooner than later. I did.

Of course it was when I was getting ready to go visit and smooch an old friend. I’m not a fan of having more than one smooch happening at the same time.

I guess, when watching the movie it started me thinking, I don’t think it’s too much to as for, a romantic kiss. I want a relationship where I have those moments. How on earth am I void of them in the ones I’ve had?

The first boyfriend (how long did it even take of us dating not dating pretend to be dating ok dating) I just wanted to kiss. I was innocent, fresh out of college and liked him so much. Even if we weren’t good together and even if I didn’t really ever think of him long term. (I had my *good friend* George at the same time who I was thinking long term while doing whatever it was with the boyfriend…I was faaaaaaaaaaar too afraid to smooch George and ruin anything good between us.) My God, I can’t even tell you the details of when we um, I, um, er…did that something or other…which was my first time. Completely unmemorable. Sad, but true.

Second boyfriend? Oh I loved him more than anything and thought long term from the very first conversation. I couldn’t have hand picked a more perfect man if I tried. At least, on paper. Distance. Distance. Distance. And well, lack of affection made it impossible for me to be with him as I dreamed…no firsts to be found…although I always (still) imagine, someday, somehow. Sigh.

In between the love of my life (or so I thought) before and after was a man I like to call “HE WHO I CANNOT RESIST” and with him, it was and only was about one thing and smooching was one part of it. I gravitated back to him far too many times during the course of my dating life the last 10 years, but he and I had well, truly an amazing connection. In that way. And no other way. I met him right before meeting boyfriend #2 which made it even harder for me to play the role of Ms. Chaste. I fell into his arms not too long after boyfriend #2 which lasted for several months until…

Until.

Yeah. So enter Mark, boyfriend #3. I can recall our *firsts* quite well because well, um…let’s just say I didn’t imagine Mark and I would be in a serious relationship when we first met. Perhaps it was that whole “don’t know about wanting to have kids and atheist” side of him that somehow I ignored when we fell into love and a relationship so effortlessly. Bah. The sad thing, which breaks my heart is, I pretty much knew Mark wouldn’t be *enough* for me…he was not communicative, affectionate, assertive, romantic…and yet the entire time I told myself to push those thoughts aside because he is a GOOD MAN and he LOVES AND ADORES ME. And we were happy, for a while. But a Jen who is wanting more is never happy…and well, I wanted…no I NEEDED more. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to have the one you love kiss you goodnight and good morning every day. But for some reason Mark wasn’t this person. And despite me asking him, or trying…he just wasn’t this person. Of course I can count on two hands the amount of family members in my life who I have lost and will never have a chance to kiss or say goodnight or good morning to ever again, but that didn’t matter. He just wasn’t that guy. Compliments. Nope. Mostly just silence and me KNOWING that he loved, liked, wanted me. You all know how that works out in the end.

Am I asking too much? No. I’m not. Be strong, keep waiting.

Or so I keep telling myself while ending the Mr. Wrong relationships.

I gotta admit, the more I think about it, the more scared I become. It might not happen for me. I might have 10 more wonderful smooches in my life with different men but never find one to begin a family with. Entirely possible and this realization frightens me. I’m not one to settle, at least where forever is concerned. But I’ve been no good at finding the right person for the last 35 years, I’m not sure any amount of wizardry will assist that inner voice in finding someone, lovely…and good for me as much as I am good for him. Mind you, I’m not trying to look for him right now…I’m trying to work through these damn kinks to be a better me. But I sure wouldn’t mind him trying to find me.

Damn movie kisses, get my brain turning , turning, turning.