Mark goes to camp and other Thursday tales…

Yesterday was a day off of work for me. Clocking in several extra hours over and above the regular work week last week gave me a little comp time to chomp on. And I had to take Marky to Wing Chun Camp.

So…off with a truck full of goodies and gas at almost $4 a gallon we went on our journey past the 400 on to 20A over the river and through the country roads to a long dirt road leading to camp. The drive was GORGEOUS. Simply stated. I love taking drives through the country. Sooooo relaxing. Soooo enjoyable. Mark and I took quite a few drives like this last year together and enjoyed them every much. I guess you could blame it on our childhood.

Of course while driving those country roads I can’t help but think about the 10 year 15 year plan of wanting to live out in the country. Land. Trees. Ponds. Horses. Gardens. Sounds so nice. Logistically, we have no idea how this is going to work out unless one of us becomes independently wealthy as a freelancer. (Yeah right, it could happen.) Our jobs are always going to keep us near the City. One of us will always need to be getting those all important benefits for the family. And that requires the life of a *real* job. Sigh…

As Marky and I drive along singing tunes on the radio and just smiling at the landscape I realize I honest and truly hit the jackpot when finding a partner. We have so very much of that *essential* self alike that it just works. We make sense. And I can’t imagine finding anyone who *fits* or *gets* me in the same way that he does, ever. I want to live in the City and be a part of the Urban community I love so much. I want to live in a small town and have a simple lifestyle and run for Mayor. 🙂 I want both equally the same and would be happy in either situation. Mark would too. And both of us REALLYREALLYREALLY DISLIKE the middle ground of suburbia. Makes us itch. Itch.Itch.Itch.

Mark and I both grew up with skinned knees, bikes along dirt paths in the woods and catching salamanders in the creek. I want this for my kids someday. I just don’t think we will be living in that small town before the kids arrive. (See above reference to jobs…oh and money in general to buy a house and a land and horses and alpacas.) Perhaps in a 10 year plan? But not sooner. And if I’m not having children within the next 10 years, I’m pretty sure they aren’t happening at all. Driving along the country roads…does take me home. And takes me home to a place I belong, but realistically might never be. Bittersweet, eh?

And yet at the SAME exact time…I want to be the person I have worked so hard to become. I want to live blocks away from everything. I want the culture and the parks and the museums at my fingertips. I want to carry my babies in a papoose and walk to the Bidwell Farmers Market. I want to see Marky be the dad jogging along Richmond Ave with the baby jogging stroller. (I already asked if we should register for one of those someday and he said he would totally use it.) I can send my children to excellent charter schools (private if we had the money.) And watch them soar at the magnet public schools like Performing Arts or City Honors. I really do like this lifestyle too…good thing, cause it’s the one I’m living!

The one thing I do know is when we have children, it will be MUCH harder to uproot them when older from the City to the Country. So likely it’s gonna be an either or situation. And it seems obvious which side is going to win.

All the dreaming makes me happy. We are not ready, yet, of course. I know I still have twinges of the desire to hit Toronto, NYC, San Francisco, Chicago, D.C. before all the settling down. But the more settled I am (approaching 2 years living together with my Mark) I wonder if just VISITING these places will fill that need. The *I want to join the Peace Corps before settling down* Jen has faded. Even if Mark would do the Peace Corps with me. My latest idea of moving includes going back to Allentown/Downtown Buffalo and having a more gritty large loft-like studio apartment. Exciting, eh? I blame the domesticness of our relationship. But, this isn’t likely to happen either. Just dreams. Just little thoughts of “since we aren’t having babies right now, what if…” Even though the little thoughts of “could we have a baby right now…” sometimes pop up where the Peace Corps once occupied my thoughts.

All the roads not traveled. I honestly have no regrets, just too many slices of a personality that could be happy down any of the roads I’ve encountered.

Sigh…

It really was a nice drive. But today, back to reality and work. Oh and to the girly doctor for another appointment since they *sort of goofed* up the last time. I hope I’m seeing the same person, I don’t know how I will handle the “and you’ll be 35 very soon” hints in conversation. If they happen today I’m likely to just take the damn script for prenatal vitamins. Last time, I cried. No idea where the tears came from, but they welled up in a heartbeat as soon as the doctor left the room. Tears. Hot, fast, stingy, salty tears. I didn’t really try to interpret them, I think it’s obvious I want to be a mother someday. And I’m scared of all the things that that really means. Am I responsible? Can we afford it? How can we change our lifestyle? I need to lose weight. I want more than one baby, I need to start soon. I AM SO NOT READY. What if I wait too long? What if? Why not? WE ARE SO NOT READY! But no one is ready. Maybe? Enter tears. (And yes, if you are wondering I can have all these thoughts at one time in a spilt second.)

Right this second…if I knew that we could plan and afford our wedding next year. And then take many trips and travel the next year. And I could lose weight and get in shape during those two years. And sometime after I could get pregnant with twins at the age of 38 and have a healthy regular pregnancy. And Mark can get a promotion (or finish school if he chooses that route.) And I move along up the ladder and secure some sort of regular freelancing on the side. I would totally be all over having kids. 😉 But, you know this is the real world.

Real world says, time to go to work.