What About Everything by Carbon Leaf

“What about those midnight phone calls…the one that wake you from your peace…”

I miss those midnight phone calls. A lot…

It’s been a long weekend. Bridesmaid duties accomplished. Watching my friend in bride mode, was quite odd. I want that someday. I do. But it looks to be so far in my future that I’m starting to wonder if I will ever want it to happen? People out there my age are working on second marriages. Already have children. I could have been married/and subsequently divorced…I could have had children. I’m still holding out for what? A fucking fairy tale?

The answer is YES, yes I am holding out for the fairy tale.

I watched two of my single friends (co-bridesmaids) come home with phone numbers last night. One of them is going through a nasty divorce, NASTY Lifetime Television for Women movie nasty. She bonded with comrade from Chicago who was divorced. The other friend never has a problem finding men to enchant…I did the *fun Jen* duty of being the social girl that everyone loves to talk to and hang with and fell back to watch the rest. And this morning? I waved the girls off, way too early, then watched the roommate leave minutes later to leave to be with her man. Alone again. Back to bed.

Confident. Fun. Getting numbers. Kissing. Drinking. Far too many bars knowing my freckled innocent face. Ah, those were the days. As Eden recently said…”Big girls fuck too.”

You see, I sabotage myself from happiness and taking a risk over anything that could be real. I finally broke off my *relationship* with Howie back in 2002 and felt so lost. I loved him. But was not in love. I didn’t imagine a life with him…but I stayed, far far too long. Until one day I couldn’t do it anymore. He made me feel small. He crushed the essential Jen and my spirit. I needed out…I was not the one. Howie got married this past April.

When I finally broke up with Howie after 5 years of being together, I felt lost. I never did the *dating* thing. I just knew people, fell for my friends. How do you meet new men, I wondered? I never have a problem being flirty and fun and friendly and fantastic, but when it comes to that next step. I am paralyzed. FEAR of ruining something. Low confidence. Blah. I lost out on a good one this way, while I was *dating* Howie in NC (loose interpretation) I met a wonderful man named George. And I adored George. To pieces. After I moved back to WNY, George made a few trips up to visit…we even met halfway one weekend in D.C. But I allowed nothing to happen, because? Because? I have no idea…because he could have been someone real? Someone good for me? Alas. George got married yesterday to a woman named Jennifer. But not this one.

Paloma by Carbon Leaf

Chase the high ground – where you’d rather be
Where you might be found
Face all aglow, to leave from here
To pack up and go
But it takes some time to get away
And you will have to build from what remains
To run it takes the courage of a lamb
To love, the fierceness of a storm

Chorus:
Paloma you wonder if you’ll miss the thunder
Everyone’s staring , but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap… and you’re free

Chase the high ground – where you’d rather be
Where you might be found
This move may erase the troubles in your head
Or expose the absence of your soul
And so, it takes some time to get away
And you will have to tear down what remains
And I can’t stand for goodbyes
So hold on to me, or lead the way

Chorus

Pace yourself when outrunning fear
Take cover when it’s dark
And keep an even keel
In your world you’re only a phone away
But in my world you’re too far to feel…

And it may take some time to learn what’s real
And you may have to beg and borrow
And you will surely steal
Remember all those lonely sessions
Turned into yesterday’s lessons
To never forget love, to never forget love

And now? At midnight? I find myself with a mixture of sadness/empowerment and regret. I met John after my *dating experimentation* of a few months and I fell for this man in a heartbeat. He *got* me. ME. The yucky, crazy, passionate, loving, emotional, demanding, me. All of me. For the first time EVER, I imagined it happening. I looked into his eyes and knew. KNEW. I also knew it was going to be a long, long road…but I knew. No one but John. Someday, when I was ready to finish what I stared here in Buffalo and move on…all I would have to do is wait.

Except? Well, I was unhappy waiting. I was unhappy with EVERYTHING last summer. John…well, he is a busy man. I was lost. I wanted more. And he couldn’t make me happy and this was killing him. And I was killing myself. So, I ended *us* last fall. I was very much still in love with him, but knew I needed…something…at that moment, that wasn’t happening. Which hurts like hell.

We didn’t speak for some time, a few months and one day back in April, he picked up the phone. And we became friendly again. And I realized in an instant that I still love him and I was terrified of this…it is not the time for a Jen and John. I still knew this, but talking to him again opened up the floodgates.

And then I shut them again. A few weeks ago. After we saw each other for the first time in months. I felt like we fell back into *us* again, but he was still keeping distance and that confused me. I needed to be honest with what I was feeling. And I let it all out. All or nothing. I can’t be the woman who hugs the man she is in love with, and then not hear from him for 5 days because he is busy…I can’t. And at this time? Of course my expectations were too high we JUST started talking again, but I am who I am, all encompassing. And I felt all. And felt, once again, nothing. I can’t keep hurting like this. And I told him I couldn’t speak to him anymore…which shocked him into a state of total silence and confusion, once again.

I did the right thing…for me… My heart always gets me in trouble, How do I let go???

Raise the Roof by Carbon Leaf

Raise the roof, that I might see the stars
To gain wisdom, to see things for what they are
Please, I need proof

Chorus:
Dance till you fall
Love till you die
Shut your mouth
Raise the roof

Trapped in the snare with too much dreaming to bear
Fearful and frantic, hopeless and a romantic
Inspired but tired, I run this wide-open course
Like the sagging spirit of an older horse

Chorus

Peel back this backdrop, like the lids from my eyes
Put you in plain view, let me visualize
Touch me again in my dreams till I feel
Touch me again till I wake and it’s real

Chorus

The wisest advice to me that I didn’t reach
Was to lock up the heart, but keep the key within reach
Touch me again in my dreams till I feel
Touch me again till I wake and it’s real