Dear God. The other night, I woke up from a dream that took at least a full 5 minutes for me to shake out of to realize it wasn’t real. Where the hell did it come from? Well. It was the night I went to bed totally annoyed at Mark. And in those moments my mind does wander…but not HERE.

Anyhow. The dream (nightmare.)

Tis Erin’s Wedding.

I am in bed waking up from a very dark haze and generally unsure what the hell has just been going on.

(Not unlike waking up along and naked in the giant bed in the suite after my brother’s wedding. I was pitfully and embarassingly drunk that night and when I passed out, my Ex was at my side taking care of me. And so was my friend from college Mindy. When I woke up that morning, I thought for sure the Ex would be in the room with me, but no, he wasn’t he stayed up all night talking to Mindy in the other room. From this night on they were inseparable and ended up marrying shortly after. NOT THAT I WANTED HIM. Trust me on that one. But having many people in your life ask you when you and the Ex (who was at the wedding) were going to be *next* and realizing you just wasted about 5 years of your life to begin with and have been trying to move on but feeling totally guility because the only people in the Ex’s life were the people in my life because he alienated everyone else (including me) and then realizing that even though you WANT TO MOVE ON and you have said countless times that Mindy would be a good person for the Ex you DO NOT EXPECT IT TO HAPPEN ON THE NIGHT OF YOUR LITTLE BROTHERS WEDDING. Ever. EVER. Especially when neither one of those two people should have been at the wedding to begin with. The Ex was still too connected to me and my friends/family so he was invited and MINDY WAS MY DATE because she just broke up with her fiance and moved to Buffalo and I wanted her to be included and have fun with friends. My friends and family, but still. Wonder why the hell I was drinking?)

Anyhow, that was an important aside…because in the dream this is exactly what I felt like waking up in this large bed. I was so confused and hazy. Not sure what was going on. But this time? This time MARK was there with me. And when I asked “did we go to Erin’s wedding?” He just nodded his head. Everything was a haze and I had no idea what happened but I know it wasn’t good. I know it involved a shitload of drinking and something very bad.

A few questions later I am trying to figure out what happened. And all Mark could muster in a very very very disappointed but supportive tone was “it was just really bad Jen.” I drank a lot. I ended up saying/doing? Something. And I somehow ended up at the end of the evening piled on top of Jay (who is my unrequited COLLEGE LOVE) and declared that I still loved him. Even though Jay is married with children. And in real life? Jay wouldn’t even be at Erin’s wedding. I think it was the whole *college friends* idea that led me to Jay.

Cause LORD KNOWS the last time I even thought of Jay? Well? I can’t recall. I could have maybe once upon a time tried to get together with Jay but I was with the Ex (ish) when I first moved back to Buffalo over 10 years ago. And that was that. Never thought of him again.

When Mark in the dream told me what I had done, in front of everyone, well I knew that he was heartbroken. And I was heartbroken. And I figured pretty much that while Mark was with me at that exact moment, he couldn’t be much longer…because it was obvious that I loved Jay. Of course Jay obviously loved his wife and his kids.

HUH?

(Another important aside: I took Jay to many of my college sorority functions and we always ended up silly and drunk and I’m pretty sure falling on the floor. There were a few times in our life that we crossed paths at different times.  But there’s never been any love lost feeling there. I’m not even in touch with him anymore…but I know that having about 10 of my bestest girlfriends in town for this wedding next weekend has me thinking of all those days long ago when we were all together.)

Anyhow. In the dream I was waking up and realizing all this. In real life, I woke up and it took me SEVERAL minutes to shake the fact that this scenario didn’t happen. I saw Mark next to me and I assumed he fell asleep after telling me all about how I acted at the wedding… A few minutes later I realized I was waking from a DREAM. (Remember I was pissy and went to bed way before Mark that night, so he had crawled in while I was already asleep.)

A DREAM.

But so freaking real it scares me.

What the hell is my mind telling me?

Cause I hated that dream. TOO MUCH PAST and not enough future. My heart was broken.