Warning: I blame PMS.

Somehow tonight, I’m sitting in front of the computer crying as I type out these thoughts. Crying. Even worse, crying over he who I once thought I was going to marry.

WTF?

I hate womanly hormones. I see no other reason for my behavior tonight.

Where do I start?

I’m checking my status updates on Facebook and realized my *friend* David had a new profile picture of his adorable little girl Abby. (David is the nephew of he who I once thought I was going to marry. I certainly thought of Ms. Abby as my future great niece.)

I clicked on his profile and saw he commented on a different niece of he who I once thought I was going to marry…and I clicked over to her profile. AND FOUND THAT ASHLEY IS EXPECTING! Which made me soooo happy for her. I wrote a quick message and was all sorts of smiley…she had been trying with her hubby for several years.

YAY! Happiness for all right? I started getting wistful. I loved the family of he who I once thought I was going to marry, they became mine too. And suddenly one day he who I thought I was going to marry and I never spoke again and broke up and so did my family.

I blogged about that pain last year.

Heart heavy, I started clicking through other family member profiles which means tis a matter of time before I see the picture of the wife of he who I once thought I was going to marry. Surprise! She now has his last name! Not sure if she lives on our continent yet, but she has the last name of the family I once was a part of.

Even at this point? I’m fine. I’ve looked at the pictures before. I speak of him with kindness. In fact the other week I was over having lunch with my Linda Lu and sat with his friend/boss Fu at lunch. It’s all good. I’m emotional because I miss the family. I miss the life I once had and thought I was going to have.

Right?

Sure. Until I see a comment he left on a photo of his wife calling her beautiful. Beautiful. (In fairness, the word beautiful wasn’t actually used, he wrote it in Spanish)

I’m certain he never called me beautiful in any language. Probably because he never thought I was beautiful.

And I’m not really. I’m a sometimes cute fat girl. Been called adorable by quite a few men since breaking up with he who I…but never beautiful.

And that’s just one of the reasons why we aren’t together anymore. Which is a good thing. We are both MUCH happier and life has been moving on in positive directions for both of us.

However (comma) tonight,night of PMS and Facebook wanderings, I can’t stop hearing Sally in my head.

Sally: He just met her… She’s supposed to be his transitional person, she’s not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn’t want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn’t want to marry me. He didn’t love me.

Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?

Sally: No. But why didn’t he want to marry me? What’s the matter with me?

The matter is?

I was never beautiful to him.

Life is too short to cry over the memory of a man who never thought you were beautiful, I know.

But I still can’t help be scared to death over the reality that I might never find someone who thinks I am.

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