Coffee filled and ready to roar.

I found myself knee-deep in my *important* journal. Important journal you ask? Yes, yes….the sparkly one I save for the best occasions. The one that Lowest of the Low, namely my Ron….signed in the back while I was sitting with them at SPOT coffee.

And what did Ron write you ask?

*Watching Dave hit things, though frightening, relieves some pent up frustrations and existential quandaries and allows me to go on unburdened. My three favourite things are love…love and love…* Ron Hawkins

(Dave the drummer, drew a picture of his drumset and said *Hitting things makes me happy.*)

So I save this journal for important occasions…I never want to fill all the pages.

I write things like this…

Ode to the non-destructive Jen.

Creative, energetic, endless, exciting, idealistic, intelligent, caring, craving, passionate, learning, deciding, wanting, needing, feeling, loving, longing, amazing, kind, unknowing, loyal, understanding, driven, smart, fun, social, sassy, talkative, leader, silly.

to the destructive Jen

Irresponsible, lazy, tired, confused, needy, frustrated, inconsistent, paranoid, sad, bossy, lonely, doubtful, hopeless, confused, upset, agitated, explosive, numb, demanding, rationalizing, manipulating, afraid, scared, vulnerable.

And today?

I pretty much sat around trying to figure out if anyone out there in the entire world would be good enough to not only see all these qualities in me, but love me for them.. Alas. My little brother once told me it would take a very *special, strong* man to be with me. (Said in the most loving way possible of course.) And I agree. Perhaps, I am too demanding and picky. Perhaps I will never find someone who can love all of me…and still be sane. But I am going to spend the rest of my life alone looking before I choose to settle for anything that is less than extraordinary.