So why?

COULD I NOT GET MY EX OUT OF MY HEAD THIS WEEKEND?

I had a dream about him. And I had recently told my story about NYC and getting accepted to the teaching fellows program. And why I did not go. (No money…)

HE was going to be in NYC too.

All the wondering…he was not right for me. However, he was (and is) the only man I have EVER imagined a future with…you know the one you can marry? The one who just gets you and falls in line with future hopes and dreams?

My newest man, I adore to pieces. Like like like him. But wonder…wonder wonder…I went to church this weekend with my friends and their parents and baby. And I couldn’t help but think that newest man, is not the man who will go to church with me and *our* children, if I am blessed enough to have any since I have fucked up that part of my life already. How does that work? 🙁 I don’t think it does. And I just don’t know. When do I know?

I know that when I first met newest man, I was the most comfortable with him then I have been in my entire life…when he holds me at night, I NEVER want him to let me go. And for some reason, he likes me. ME. All of me: the good and bad. (My ex did too…he just didn’t fit) I never knew a relationship could be this EASY. THIS CAREFREE. Simple. Happy. Effortless. And THAT says sooo much. I am 32 years old and had NO IDEA that something like this could even exist. And I am content. And happy. And not worrying. Or wondering. JUST being.  Tis lovely, really.

So why is the ex in my head?