I’m so frustrated right now. My brain is fried. I feel like I’m going over the edge. I need to leave work, but so much work awaits.

Yesterday, I put two and three together and realized that Mark is likely seeing someone or going to meet and see someone, in that seeing someone way. I took this news poorly to say the least.

“What’s the matter with me?”

Mind you, I myself have been *out there* surprise surprise since the end of last year and well, yeah whatever. Have a few crushes here and there. Some shameless flirting here and there. Had a date for Valentine’s Day. But that doesn’t matter at all. MARK is moving on.

(There’s a larger part of this backstory that I don’t feel comfortable with stating…which is also making me well, sad? Annoyed? Hurt?)

Whatever.

That was yesterday.

This afternoon I had an appointment with the Wizard and it was a productive one…one where I was curled up on her sofa crying and hiding and wishing I could just go home and sleep it away. How is it possible to never grieve and feel things from 20 years ago *just like that* in an office when asked a question. Sigh.

Surprise, surprise. In relationships I look to find someone to take care of, tis all I know. And I need to take care of me first. Which has always been the goal of going back to therapy this time around of course. But…

AND I have been feeling strange lapsed Catholic guilt about the whole dating scene too. ACTUALLY I feel more guilt about NOT feeling guilty if that makes any sense (welcome to my world.) I KNOW I am not looking for a serious relationship right now. And I know that the point of dating is to find a serious relationship, or at least that is what I said I wanted…to find someone right for me.

But the thing is? I’m not even right for me right now. Finding someone else right for me would be impossible. Yet, I’m compelled to smile, flirt and make small talk…tis my nature, who I am. And guess what, sometimes the boys like me back. And that is a good thing. And I need to take these moments more day to day rather than think big picture and freak out.