My brother called me tonight. Instantly I knew something was up, we simply don’t call each other on the phone, ever.

“K/J’s son committed suicide this afternoon…”

Suicide? How old is he again?

Only 15.

What?

How?

Oh. My. God.

Ohmygod.Ohmygod.

I don’t understand…

K is my Aunt. My stepdad’s sister. K/J have three kiddos. I only know really know the oldest girl from YEARS AGO when she was a toddler…Years ago.

My Mom and Keith are VERY CLOSE to this family. My sister (step-sister) is VERY VERY close to this family.

K/J are good people.

J called Keith after it happened. My mom and Keith were  there while the police and the coroner did the report. (Small, small town…the coroner is a cousin of the family too…) My mom and Keith were there when the fire department hosed down the area where *it* happened. A 15 year old boy shot his head off and his sisters found him. His parents were home.

But everything was fine…he said his girlfriend broke up with him but he was laughing and being himself…

(I’m going to be sick.)

How does this happen?

What goes through a child’s head to do something like this?

How?

Why?

My grief is for my family. I didn’t know him. My brother didn’t know him and he lived up at home for 3 years with the family while I went away to college.

Yet, I’m crying. And sick. And worried about my sister. And my Mom and Keith. And K/J and their girls. And my entire extended family, who is left to figure it all out and someday move on. And a small, small town where a 15 year old boy just literally, literally, literally, literally shot his head off with a gun. What do you tell the kids at school?

I don’t understand.

I’ve suffered a lot of loss and grief over the years, but I’ve never known someone who killed themselves. 15. At home with their family around.

I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m confused. I don’t know what to do or think or say.

Was he mentally ill? Seemed like a normal kid? But mentioned maybe once or twice over the summer that he wanted to kill himself?

How do the parents, good wholesome RESPONSIBLE parents who own guns and have children who know how to PROPERLY use guns for sport and hunting ever get over the guilt of having a gun in the home? And if the parents, who are good responsible people DO take their son to get care…how do they still not feel guilty for the rest of their lives for not doing more?

A child who is mentally ill enough to kill himself will find a way to kill himself…

How does a family get over this kind of a loss? EVER? I mean it? How do those girls not see their brother’s head lying on the ground covered in blood every single dammed day for the rest of their lives? How does the girlfriend who broke up with the boy not feel like she had a part for the rest of her life?

I can’t wrap my head around it.

On top of it all…NO ONE SHOULD EVER EVER EVER IN A TIME OF GRIEF HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Ever. It makes my stomach turn. Poor families struggling to hold a roof over their head and have food on the table should NEVER in the hours after a loss have to utter the words “I don’t know how we can pay for this…”

Sick. Twisted. I hate this world so much sometimes.