Jen(nifer) Reads Em’ (And makes fun of them!) SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO!

First book: The Girl Code: The Secret Language of Single Women (On Dating, Sex, Shopping and Honor Among Girlfriends) by Diane Farr, of Loveline fame.

FROM THE PUBLISHER (Otherwise known as why I want to make fun of this book)

All Women Know that Training Wheels (fake diamond earrings) don’t count as a Big-Ticket Item (a gift big enough to get a man out of trouble). Most have spent an evening doing Raw Cookie Dough Time (after they’ve been dumped) and, when they were really desperate, dated men from the Recycling Bin. (What did you hate about him? You don’t remember. But for anyone needing a translation, or just a laugh, Diane Farr offers a whimsical guide to dating vernacular. Part not-so-secret code, part code of silence (remember: never admit to collecting boyfriend T-shirts), and part code of honor (girlfriends never ditch each other at a singles bar, no matter what), The Girl Code is as funny as it is familiar.

I wish the hottie, Dr. Drew, wrote this book instead. Diane Farr? Blah. I really didn’t find her too quirky or clever actually. She particularly dedicated this book to the “Great Guy Who Told Her She Should Write This Crap Down” Interesting choice of the word crap, no?For example…

How Do You Know A Single Girl’s Home When You See One?
1. She has way too many shoes and not enough pots and pans
6. Even if she is thirty, you can still find a packet of ramen noodles somewhere in her cabinets.

Right, because OBVIOUSLY single women don’t have a man to cook for and therefore do not cook? What is this supposed to mean really? This annoyed me. I mean I even have a nice set of Pfaltzgraff Cocoa dishes, service for 8, without a man! Gasp! See how pretty?

EEGADS! The horror…moving on.

“We certainly don’t need another book telling us how “tricking a man” into our lives is good for us. This book is intended to be a sigh of relief, a reminder to all single girls that you are not alone.”

Well then thank GOD I am not alone and I can look forward to these kind of dates?

The Paperwork Date
Not always the most romantic date, but defiantly the most modern: occurring when you and your man have decided to have sex or stop using condoms…but you first take a little outing to the clinic together to get your AIDS test in unison.

The fact that I read this paragraph and continued reading all of Ms. Farr’s astounding wonderful ideas about GIRLS amazes me. Her definition pages border on completely obvious to annoying as hell. Although the above one is both obvious (OF COURSE YOU GET TESTED)and annoying. Do people really go *together*?

And here’s the second reason…

A Web Man
One of the worst Y2K glitches reported are these new boyfriends that people make over the internet. Warning: This is not an ideal place to look for romance no matter what the commercials tell you.

Let’s Be Real:
*People that look like models don’t go lookin’ for love at a computer terminal.
*That cool guy you just met is probably four 13 year old girls laughing their ass off
*Colleges that advertise on TV are worthless, this guy with a website is one step below that
*The only thing you really know about him is that he can type.

WHERE DO I START? PERHAPS if she wrote this book, um in well 1988? But this was pubished in 2001. And I know, numerous couples who met online (myself included) who are quite happy and some of them are married, some are engaged! In fact in this day and age, I know I know it is a few years later…but I don’t think I know one single person who HASN’T checked out online dating. Wait, there is one. I know one person. Who the hell lets someone with such a big head write this crap and get away with it? Get over yourself…even in 2001 when this book was published it was not considered weird.

Ok, but she is a girl who writes things like this, which explains everything. How snarky! (Or not)

BIG TICKET ITEM
That very special gift that costs him enough money or pain to immediately spring him from the doghouse. Size of gift varies according to geographic location.

As an object of his affection
“Everything’s fine now. He knows he’s wrong, I got a big-ticket item this morning.”

An Amnesia Stone
Given when you’ve reached the point in your relationship when you’re expecting an engagement ring. You open up an expensive looking box to find any piece of jewelry-other than a diamond- that is so big you’re supposed to forget about expecting a proposal.

It Better Be:
*Absolutely huge
*As expensive as an engagement ring would have been
*Worth giving him six more months to bite the bullet

Women like this exist in the world. And I am so glad I do not know any of them personally.

PINK TAFFETA PUNCHES
The tossing of the bouquet is not a championship face off of single women. And very likely, the women you body check will be standing next to you at next year’s wedding too. It’s just a ritual, not a rite of passage…let it go.

Women like this exist in the world? Again, I don’t know any of them. In fact in the 20-or more weddings I have been to, the single women HIDE from the bouquet toss. Or don’t even bother to have one. (Which is my idea of a good time.) In fact when Erin and I were the *single bridesmaids* trying to HIDE from the bouquet toss at our friend Susan’s wedding…we got in serious trouble when the hick cousins approached us and asked us to dance later…which was odd, the whole night no one bothered us…OH WAIT WE WERE AT THE BOUQUET TOSS! AAAAAaaaugh. Never again.

But then she writes such simple true statements like…these which are almost directly in conflict with the kind of girl who would write such nonsense I quoted above!

“If he calls you first and you’re trying to decide how long to wait before calling him back, keep the following in mind: Call whenever the hell you want.”

And my personal favorite. Ahem.

GIRLFRIENDS ARE THICKER THAN BOYFRIENDS
There is NEVER EVER any good reason to get involved with your friend’s boyfriend. Just as oil is thicker than water, and the two don’t mix well, the same goes for a friendships with her and crossing the line with him. This is the essence of being a girl’s girl.

The song was wrong…stand by your friend.

NOSE PICKING
Remember the old saying “It’s ok to pick your nose, and it’s okay for your friend to pick her noise, but it’s not okay to pick…” The same applies here. You can date your old boyfriend’s friend, but you can never date your friend’s old boyfriend. No matter when they broke up, stay away. Remember: he may not still be hers in fact, but he should always be hers in fact, but he should always be hers in anecdote.

Sigh…and when your (now Ex) good friend/sorority sister MARRIES your Ex of 5 years/first boy you slept with and chooses never to talk to you again because she can’t handle that she broke this rule? You say *fuck her* and move on. Although I have to admit, trying to hang on to a friend who would do this in the first place is something only a Jen(nifer) would do.

Next stop?
Get Serious About Getting Married : 365 Proven Ways to Find Love in Less Than a Year