Tis hard to be discreet…when the person answering the phone comes into work wearing a suit.

I am feeling more stress than I should right now. And mostly because of my apartment and landlord. My house, as we all know…is for sale. A ridiculous amount of money (they seriously need to knock off six figures to make a sale feasible, this is a fixer upper with income potential. Not a freaking mansion.)

Anyhow. I want to move. I need to move. I have to move. I am stressed about this move. I spoke to my landlord this weekend about putting in my 60 days. WHICH came as a surprise. He assumed Erin was moving out and Mark was moving in. NOPE! Too much money and not enough repairs. Equals much annoyance. Of course, ideally we would have a NEW landlord soon. Or not. Plus if Mark moves here, I kinda want to start a new place together. NOT TO MENTION, oh wait I did mention this…I doubt the property will sell for a long, long time.

So my quandaries are:

1. I do not feel confident in giving official 2 month notice unless I have a different job. I am hardly getting by answering the phones and paying for this place. (Oh yeah, and I feel badly that Erin pretty much ONLY pays rent and never lives there. Not fair to her either.) I need someplace cheaper. And I am readyreadyreadyready to be in a real world Jennifer career, as of um a while ago. I am just sitting pretty. I KNOW what I want, but will what I want, want me? I don’t know! (Um, wearing the suit TODAY….need to give notice TODAY, see the drama!)

2. I CANNOT STAND THE PHONE CALL FROM MY LANDLORD OR WOMAN REALTOR OR MAN REALTOR. “Jennifer, we just wanted you to know that we are showing your house…EVERYSINGLEGODDAMNDAYOFTHEWEEK” Ok, that is a little bit of a stretch, however, considering I am out of town MOST weekends, and every weekend for the last 2 months people have been in and out of my place…why on earth do they need to stop by on Tuesday and Thursday too! And MAYBE a Friday this week? I get that damn condescending “Welllllllllll, you could make sure the kitty litter is changed. Or the floor is mopped. Or the sink is cleaned. Or or or.” I live in my house thank you. And while I make sure it is generally acceptable day to day. I am not meticulous by ANY sense of the word. My coat and bag are tossed in the front room and that is where they stay. I leave a book here and there and a magazines everywhere. My dinner plate is left on the table. The bathroom sink? Is going to be filled AND CLOGGED when they show it this morning, because the landlord still didn’t do anything about it. Do I scoop my dirty face/teeth water out of the sink to make it go down faster? Or do I leave it as is. I have enough time in the morning to get up and fly to work by the seat of my pants. I’m not going to scoop out drain water and scrub the old dirty stained tub, again. No one scrubs or mops the floor everyday. And in the last 2 months, my floors have been washed every week. (Of course they still look dirty, OLD ucky lineleoum) And the kitty litter? I told him he could change it himself if it was really *that* bad. Because, you see, I have the right to go away on the weekend. If I clean the litter Thursday evening. And leave from work on Friday….and get back into town IN TIME for work in Monday…the litter won’t be changed until Monday night. Not my fault you have an open house Sunday night. Take the scoop and use it if you must, but I think I have the right to go away if I want. This my friends is why I have dos gatos instead of un perro. Also where my libertarian streak kicks in. LEAVE ME ALONE!

And this morning? I had to IRON. I never iron, it takes forever. So I did not make my bed. The iron is still left out with the ironing board. I still have dishes in the sink. And GASP! I didn’t scoop my kitty litter since, SUNDAY NIGHT! AND GUESS WHAT! I am not supposed to feel GUILTY about this! I had to be out of my house both Saturday and Sunday morning. I went to Talking Leaves for a few hours and SPOT for the Sunday paper with Mark. And then I find out late last night when I checked my voice mail, before bed that at 8pm the realtor called and is going to show the place… TODAY AT 1:00! I can’t stand it any longer. And guess what, I also have the right to let my messages go to voice mail. I had not one desire to talk on the phone. I didn’t even speak to Mark last night! So why do I feel like I was SUPPOSED to get the message at 8 pm in order to make sure my house was CLEAN in the morning? I don’t care anymore.

Ah, the problem is I do care. I do care that the landlord jokes to the people coming in and out of the house and shows my roommates bedroom, where I think she might have slept a total of 10 nights the 2 years we have been there, “I tell the people this is Felix’s room and THIS is OSCAR’s.” Excuse me for LIVING IN MY BEDROOM. And when he shares this silly little story, he is telling me to make my room like Erin’s. Um, if Erin was living there? She wouldn’t have hospital corners either. Grrr.

But can I give notice? Without $$$ to find a new place?

3. Mark. Tis inevitable that Marky and I are going to move in together. FINGERS CROSSED, he will be moving here because I am going to have a fabulous upward career at my favorite place of employment. 🙂  So it does make sense. BUT Mark surely cannot move to Buffalo without a job. And I surely cannot pay for an apartment for 2 on my own. So? So…we wait. And wait. And then I also think…is this really happening? Would we be moving this direction if I didn’t find out that my apartment was on the market? Yes. I know the answer is yes. But what if the timing isn’t right for him to get a job this month or next. What if MY timing is off? And I am stuck sitting pretty? I haven’t seriously considered another position or agency. I know what I want, and I want to stay right where I am. But, I also trust the judgement of the people who work here. If they need the older, more experienced MAN to take the position I applied for, how can I argue? I can’t. All about the greater good for all…blah blah blah. And I selfishly really believe this even if I find myself pissy for not being the chosen one. It ain’t easy having a big heart that looks out for everyone else but #1.

4. (Wrap-Up) I know that all of this will work itself out. The future will happen and I should not stress. However, TODAY is the day that I have to give notice if I want my new life to fall in place by June. WORSE CASE? I wait one more M***** F****** month and deal with my landlord and everyone in Buffalo visiting my apartment at all hours and days of the week, and end up annoyed more often than not. Tis only a month, right?

I want to give notice. More importantly, I want this job. So hopefully this morning blog catharsis will serve it’s purpose. Release. Relax. Focus on solving all the issues of the children and youth in the county instead 😉 No problem!