Work. Walking home from work tonight I was without Lil Bear and just wandered in my many, many, many thoughts.

Thoughts…

I love where I work. (Both jobs!) Why do I complain and grump and moan before I have to go anywhere when I know that as soon as I go, I’m happy and in my element?

Grrrr.

I’ve been working at a non-profit since graduating from college. Complete resume, filled with non-profits. I took Non-Profit Corporation Law and did the Community Development Clinic while in law school. Love that I give back to the community with the positions I serve in. Wish I could make a little more money sometimes, but realize I’m still a baby in the field working into that 3-5 year mark where the salary will go up. I did 5 years at a non-profit working with at-risk youth before landing into Development.

I was thinking about how it would be nice to not worry about money. Have enough to take a trip on Sunday to go to a friends little boys 1st birthday party without worrying how the hell we can afford to fill up the gas tank. The fact of the matter is, until I sell that 3rd novel of mine (ahem, this implies that I’ve written at least 3 books/collections of short stories and found someone to BUY them and SELL them to others) the student loan people are always going to be banging on my door. Period. I chose to go to a private undergrad, I chose to spend way too many years in law school dropping classes each semester.  My decisions. I have to live with them and accept responsibility. And generally speaking, I’m pretty damn happy. (Although the student loan collectors are not.)

So as I was thinking about all this on the way home…I was surprised to find this article on the front page of Yahoo when I checked my email. Do Good, and Earn Well.

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

I guess the part I found rewarding was looking at #4- Grant Writer. Cause this is something I’m naturally and gradually moving towards in my career. And tis nice to see it’s on a list of positions that could quite possibly *Earn Well* I already have the grant writing certificate, my current employer sent me to the training in March.

I suppose in someway, the idea of Nonprofit Executive sounds appealing to me as well. But considering I want to have a family someday and since I’m a late starter in both finding my career path and the father of my future children after the age of 30 and I don’t see anything changing quickly after my 35th birthday at the end of the year… I seem to think that I will not end up running an organization but instead desperately trying to freelance myself into a position where I could raise children at home while earning a living. (Dream on…dream big.) If this includes Grant Writing, oh how happy I will be. If this includes other writing…oh how HAPPY I WILL BE! Of course I have to find time for other writing…which was something else I was thinking about coming home from work tonight.

Where on earth do I find the time for me? For reading and writing and being and writing and blogging? I haven’t figured the balance out yet. I’m busybusybusy with my job and meetings and professional groups and community groups and while this makes me a very happy person…a part of me is SCREAMING for a lazy summer. The kind where I can read and write and do nothing if I want and go nowhere if I choose. Because I haven’t seen a day like that in a while. Once in a while I see a half of a day in a weekend where I have nothing planned, but in general I have weeks like this week which include evenings full of work and meeting friends and family out. Every day this week and weekend is filled with something planned BUT FOR Friday night. Which is an abnormality, Mark usually works out with friends on Friday. Not only do I not see ME, but I don’t see Mark even MORE. Which is exhausting and maddening and makes me sad. I miss him.

And this is where the circle becomes complete. And this is why I whine and complain although not really, about doing anything and everything all the time. I don’t WANNA go or I don’t WANNA do anything but sit at home and veg. But not because I don’t like work, or my meetings, or my friends and family! But because I want to spend time with Me. And spend time with Me and Mark once in a while and I am resentful that we haven’t had any of this time in MONTHS and MONTHS. Of course, I would be even MORE resentful if I had a partner who didn’t do anything and didn’t encourage me to be involve and active and social and wanted to spend all our time together. Balance. I need to find the balance.

I’m terrified that’s it’s just not possible. I’m ALL OR NOTHING JENNIFER. And as soon as this phase of my life calms down in a year or two or three I want to be on to the next phase which involves a family. Where does the time for me and us and US and me come in? How do I get to write my stories to publish so I can buy a house in the country and be Mark’s sugar mama so he can teach Wing Chun and paint all the live long day if I don’t even have time to BLOG?

Sigh, I might never know. And now it’s time for bed. Because I have an air conditioner and a good book I bought on Saturday that I’ve been dying to read. And I don’t want to check my email or be social or think about work or anything else but me. (And hopefully Mark will come to bed soon and follow…)