Wrecked. Oh my God. What’s wrong with me? I feel like I’ve been sucker punched…

I casually wandered over to Erin’s blog and saw her post “The Old Apartment.”

Of course I know the links on this post are going to news stories about the house Erin and I lived in before moving in with our significant others, was purchased to be torn down to make room for condos. But when I clicked on the links it wasn’t just the story about the new condos.

But also pictures of the deconstruction by Buffalo ReUse.

But, but…but…as Erin so gently quoted from BNL “this is where we used to live.”

From Buffalo Rising.

Buffalo ReUse’s Michael Gainer was also pleased with the partnership and the house. “We salvaged 2000 sq.’ of oak hardwood flooring,” he said. “Then there were fifteen doors, cabinets, tubs, nice mirrors, old tin ceiling in the basement, marble tile in the bathrooms, old timbers, hand hewn structural timbers, a lot of windows, doorknobs, and hinges. The house had been renovated a couple of times in the past, so some of the character was missing. All in all this was a good house…”

My God, why am I crying? What kind of a freak am I?

When Erin and I decided to move back in together back in 2004 we knew we wanted a more grown-up lifestyle in a nice neighborhood. After being roommates in college for 3 years and then housemates in Buffalo for some time and then not housemates in Buffalo and living in our own apartments for some time, we decided the move to 759 Lafayette was the right place at the right time. It had the exact feel we were looking for.

Neither one of us knew at the time that 759 Lafayette would be our last apartment as singletons. When we moved in Erin was just getting over a breakup and wondering if staying in Buffalo at all was the right thing. And I was in love with DCJohn and really just passing the time…or so I thought.

Boy how different our lives turned out. Our little house at 759 Lafayette brought *boys* from near and *boys* from a far to visit us at our various times of being single. (Oh, the stories…the history.) And then Rand came into Erin’s life…and a year later Mark came into mine.

God, I went through the absolute hardest/worse/blackest time of my life and with the help of amazing friends and family came out on the other side a stronger person…while living in that very house. From this house, I would walk to work at my non-profit place of employment instead of choosing to go to NYC for the Teaching Fellowship program. I grew from the Jen(nifer) of the past into the Jennifer you now all know (and mostly love) today… all at that very house.

Ah, the front door. I hated saying goodbye to Mark on Sunday nights looking out this door…I remember opening it for him, soooo nervous the first time we met, wearing my *now retired* first date skirt.

Yes, when we moved out, it was time to leave. The house was going up for sale and Erin and I weren’t stupid. And as soon as we decided leave the landlord situation got out of control. In fact, I just recently, no longer than a few weeks ago decided to delete the set of photos I took of the house when we moved out you know, just in case we needed proof.

I like to think of the whole situation now as the little nudge that grew unbearable as a push from the universe to help me see the very real future developing right before my eyes. Couching this new relationship within the safe confines of needing to move anyhow helped me face my fears.

Through it all, and boy do I mean it all, Erin and I had never, ever been in a similar relationship at the same time. When Erin and I went out together that very last time as roommates and she dropped me off at my new place, the place of Mark and Jen, OUR new place…I said goodbye, watched her drive off to HER new place…and cried. Something just felt so very official and had this significant ending attached to a certain time of our lives

Tonight, as in every night for the last two years, I find myself safe and home in the present. However the blatant metaphor forced upon my mind when seeing these pictures scares the hell out of me…probably more than it should. I find myself somewhat grieving the fact that I will never, ever be back at that time of my life again. And terrified that I’ll never really be ready for the future I’m preparing myself to begin…

I know we don’t live here anymore
We bought an old house on the danforth
She loves me and her body keeps me warm
I’m happy here
But this is where we used to live

Broke into the old apartment
Tore the phone out of the wall
Only memories, fading memories
Blending into dull tableaux

I want them back
I want them back