Huh?

**I should start this out by saying I actually LOVE my job. I love planning for Gala I know it’s a busy time, I anticipated all of the work. What I did NOT plan on was my Gma getting sick and ending up in the hospital last week leaving me on edge like you wouldn’t believe, and getting sick myself. Although, tis the time of year when people with allergy problems get sick so I should have expected it. PLUS I was running myself ragged BEFORE my two week crunch time for GALA with doing things for Junior League and my two paid jobs.**

Where the hell did THAT come from?

I had a great day. Despite the fact that all I did all day and night yesterday was work. I woke up late…not doing any work and felt ok.

Which was a shock because last night, I got home from the office at 8 and started entering surveys and with each minute that passed I felt ick draining from my head throat into my chest. By the time I went to bed around 10:30 doing nothing else all day and night but working. I was BEAT and started to cough. Which led to MUCH couching and chest burning and mucus dripping and a miserable way to try to fall asleep.

I woke up late and didn’t care that I didn’t finish the surveys, I was beat. (And I just put the giant furry Korean blankie on my bed last night which made getting up near impossible even if I wasn’t coughing all night.)

So today? I’m getting work done…feeling good and then the afternoon hits. I’m pretty much meeting all day and away from my desk. Every time I come back there are 10 emails and about 5 voice mails. It’s tiring. I have things I still need to do from Monday and earlier morning that are pushed aside. But I am in a meeting anyhow….and I sit there, and absorb all the stress from the other people around me. It’s awful. I could say a million things but I won’t tis how work goes, but none of it is my fault or anyone else’s it is what it is and until you are in the middle of what it is no one realize how what it is is going to fucking be like. Except me perhaps, I preemptively thought of these things and was told “this is how we are going to do it” and of course when it is not done the way I wanted, but the way it is supposed to be and the way it is supposed to be is two weeks behind schedule my boss starts getting frustrated too. And I sit there and absorb.

Mark wants to see “Burn After Reading” and I just can’t. I can’t. I can’t do ANYTHING social. I couldn’t last night, I worked until 10:30, I can’t tonight despite the fact that his class is canceled. I feel like crap, my chest burns I cough at night drippy mucus filled body is driving me nuts. PLUS I HAVE TO DO WORK.

So what did I do tonight? I pick up Mark a half hour late. Tell him there’s no way I can go anywhere I have too much work to do. Come home. Sit at the dining room table and just start crying. Crying stress crying. So instead of doing WORK? I plus in the Ron Hawkins Lil Bear iPod and drink a half a bottle of wine and start tidying up around the house.

I think I might still do work but now I am tired beyond belief, my coughing is worse, my chest hurts and I’m plain ol exhausted. AND IT’S ONLY TUESDAY! I still have about 3 hours of entry to do for the Co-op which I could say I could care less about, and I have to type up minutes and about an other hour of work. I have to do it this week. I should have had it done last week or over the weekend, but I didn’t. Of course I did do several hours of work a few nights last week of entry, but it wasn’t enough.

I planned on doing things for work work but I can’t even bring myself to start. I’m too tired. I feel sick. I’m stressed. I came home from work and put my head in my hands and started CRYING for the love of God.

And yet, I know I will wake up and feel guilty. TRUST me, I’m not paid enough. And I am not asked to do work after work but the fact is, it needs to be done…so I do it. I felt GREAT today because I know I stayed at work until 8 pm last night and did 3 hours of uninterrupted business.

Tomorrow I won’t feel so good. I will feel painfully behind.

I just hope I don’t feel sick too. DAMN YOU CHEST why are you hurting? Why am I coughing?

On top of it all, I tried on my dress I wore at Mary’s wedding that I thought I would wear to Gala. Yeah no fucking way, too fat. Wheee! I still have the dress I wore to Erin’s wedding in July, but it is supposed to be big. Oh well, such is my fat fucking too busy life.

Oh and my Gma? Yeah. I have no fucking clue. Bad– its ok, she’s the same? She’s not? Who knows. Up and down as always. I saw her with my brother on Sunday and she LOOKED better which relieved me to no end. But…well who knows.

I hate today, I hate that I somehow let today get the best of me and I ended up only you know, doing things normal people do after work, like cook dinner and clean up around the house and check email and blog. I should have been working.

I hurt. And not from the wine, I was hoping the wine would knock me out. Damn.