Friends. Speaking of those decent, crazy, intelligent, fun people in my world.
Mark and I were kindly invited to spend sometime this weekend with LCScotty and his wife Kelly…somewhere two hours away at a cabin in the countryside. We were enticed with images of amazingly delicious all you can eat pancakes, food, fire, friends and fun. Of course we said we would be there!
But last night? I heard Ernesto is coming…and we have a $27 tent. And and. Well, this morning when I heard the weather report on WBFO wake me up? I heard 90% chance of showers. Heavy rains, flash floods. YIKES! Methinks we will try to head out there on SUNDAY instead. I think Scott’s exact quote was “we will find some space inside for you kids…we would rather have less leg room than be sad and lonely.” No guilt trip there! But something about spending my weekend driving 2 hours in the rain to drive back 2 hours in the rain doesn’t sound too appealing. Hopefully Sunday will be mild!
Tonight? We have a first friend date with a new couple. Awwww. Mark and New Friend hit it off immediately at the open Wing Chun class last Saturday. Could they have more in common? A few emails back and forth a long phone call the other night and now we head to their house for the evening for our first friend date. What will I wear? New Friend’s wife is excited to have us over as well (most likely feels the same way I do, now her husband can talk about those *things* he loves like oh Martial Arts, and Comic Books and Art!)
So I’m a little nervous…
I tend to be this way deep inside and no one in the world notices cause I am ubersocial girl. All Things Jennifer! Smithj2! Of course this vanishes about one minute after arriving and then I feel sheepish for having any kind of social anxiety in the first place. I am hardly one who feels unable to carry on small talk or be in a large group of people, tis what I live for actually!
But, the anxiety has been happening a lot lately, it couples itself with my evil Big D-Depression. Except this time I am DEALING. Not avoiding. When truly Depressed, this feeling is debilitating, “I don’t want to go.” Overpowering, “I have nothing to say.” All consuming, “I have to turn Jen *on* and the only Jen I want to be is the one under the covers in my bed.” And of course, during these moments…I will NOT go out. I avoid plans at all costs. I act like I am making plans, but I am not doing a damn thing. I stay close to the inner circle. The routine. Of course, again, no one would likely SEE this unless they really, really knew me. The day to day Jen. Aren’t I a crafty chameleon?
Truly? The past few weeks have been exhausting, but in a good way. With Mark here in Buffalo and my new job and our new apartment, my life for the first time, um…ever feels settled. I’m at home. Content. What a strange concept! And how I can be depressed during this time boggles the hell out of me, except the fact that, of course, this is a clinical matter and not just a matter of circumstances. I am not depressed, but I do suffer from Depression. There’s a difference.
Feeling settled and safe has allowed me to avoid the usual avoidance behaviors and take one day at a time. Let me tell you, I had no desire at all to drive to Lakewood last weekend after being with the Wing Chun class and then at the art festival. In fact, I had to turn down Friday night in Fredonia to see my friend from High School Shawn who was home from the Navy…because with the early event on Friday evening. And the early-all day-all evening event on Saturday and the early-afternoon event on Sunday, I was just going to be beat. Anyone would be! So I figured I would not go down Friday to save up energy for Saturday…And when Mark mentioned spending the night at his friend’s house Saturday when we had to be back in Buffalo at the brunch by 8:30 am Sunday? I wanted to hide under the covers. (And kick and scream, for some reason I thought it would be a quick drive and drive back…of course spending the night was the SMART thing to do, but that damn social anxiety kicked into overdrive when I didn’t expect to spend the night ahead of time. Go figure.)
I swear to GOD the second we pulled in, I was relaxed and back to normal. Chatting away with people I didn’t know, sharing stories. You know, being me. I know this kind of anxiety is normal at times. Some days you just don’t want to be around people. The difference is with Depression, at least mine…it is ALL THE TIME. EVERY SINGLE EVENT. Not the routine mind you…going to work is fine. But doing anything else, feels like so much God dammed effort that it is hardly worth it…
Sometimes I don’t go, when I know I really want to…like for the Day of Caring the other week. Or Thursday in the Square last week, or the Junior League meeting.
And when I am REALLY Depressed. I don’t go to the happy hour, or the baseball game, or sign up to volunteer or ANYTHING. At least I am comforted in the fact knowing that each and every event I am FEELING like I don’t want to go instead of not going. Sometimes I say it out loud, and sometimes I say it 100 times inside hoping someone hears me, but every time I thinik…”it’s easier to just stay home.” So at least I know, despite that NAGGING *stay home* feeling inside, I’m doing things this time around, I knew when the Big D was coming and what it feels like and how I need to treat myself, willingly without hassle. And that in itself is a HUGE accomplishment on my part, trust me on this one.
Well, well, that was a tangent I wasn’t fully prepared to go down this afternoon! I talked to Erin about this at lunch the other day so I knew it was on my chest…but I didn’t expect it to land, here. I guess sometimes, I just don’t feel like I make any sense, and putting things to words helps.
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