No caroling around Springville for me today.

Yesterday afternoon was a very bad day.

A very bad day indeed.

I wasn’t feeling great – left work early and came home and ate two Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes.

Maybe 45 minutes later – I could hardly keep my eyes open. As in, seriously, was falling asleep without trying. And not in that very fatigued you should sleep now feeling I’ve adjusted to the last few years upon discovering an autoimmune disease.

It freaked me out.

And then I remembered I didn’t take my meds that day – or had any food but for the sweet sweet sweet cakes.

I went to look for my blood sugar monitor. I haven’t pricked my finger in months. (Lots of excuses bundled up here, but not important right now.) When I tested my blood sugar it was DANGER ZONE HIGH. Very high. As in the nice person who lives in my sensor messaged me to make sure I was ok, high.

Since I realized 1. I had not taken my meds (nor have I been good with taking them the last few weeks because – depression…slippppppery slope and more excuses.) 2. Only food in my belly – sugar. I decided to try to bring it down at home and not call the doctor. Ironically enough, I had a primary care appointment scheduled yesterday afternoon that I skipped because – depression. Yeah, can’t make this up. I had insane blood sugar reading at the moment I was skipping my appointment.

If I chose to go to the ER – I would have been put on an IV and given a shot of fact acting insulin and probably required to stay overnight. I’m scared of insulin. I’m a Type 2 and I should be able to get this in control without insulin shots. Insulin shots for me is the last hail mary before death. At least that’s what my heartmindandsoul believes.

So I took my meds. I drank a ton of water. I walked and walked and walked around the house (despite being so, so tired and wanting to sleep.) The fact that I was SCARED to fall asleep was very jarring to me. In a good way I suppose, my thoughts (even in a depressive state) didn’t go to it doesn’t matter but instead – I don’t want to die.

Yeah.

My number started creeping down. Today it is still going down. I know I haven’t had the meds in my system and I trust it will get back to my normal (yet high) state.

Fuck.

Diabetes has been the hardest hit in my file of health ailments. I cannot reconcile the fact that my body is sick – and I 1000% believe it is ALL MY FAULT and if I cared about myself at all, I wouldn’t be in this state. Period.

Yeah, I’ve been better.