Day #61 – Overwhelmed

Woooooosh. I’m a crazy pile of overwhelmed right now.

Do you want the good news or the “good” news first?

• The good news? The SBA loan went through and I get to go back to work FT on Monday!
• The “good” news? My COVID-19 test and antibodies test results came back – all three negative!

(Yes, I found out about both of these things, this morning, within 10 minutes of each other. Hence, overwhelmed.)

Last night I couldn’t sleep (as usual) but I just had the gut feeling the test was going to be negative. I’ve been falsely content thinking the last few weeks that I already had the virus, so I shouldn’t be worried or scared or TERRIFIED of how I might react if I did get it. The false sense of some sort of security (even if fictional) helped me get through April.

However, I needed to shift my mindset into the reality that my test result was going to be negative.

AND LO! Just like that at 8:30 am my results were posted – negative, negative & negative.

So the never-ending illness that I had in March (and some of April) was just another really icky virus that wiped out all my PTO time at work because I was so exhausted I couldn’t get out of bed. Great to know, great.

YES I know about false negatives. I’m not going to even think about that possibility. I need to stay vigilant.

I know of at least 10 friends who have also had a very, long, bout, of, icky, never-ending, flu like illness since the beginning of the year. It is what it is…but it isn’t COVID-19.

I SHOULD BE HAPPY THAT THE TESTS ARE NEGATIVE? Right?

RIGHT?

I’m gonna let you in on a not-so-secret.

I’m freaking terrified of COVID-19.

I never want to leave Weber Wonderland. Aside: never wanting to leave Weber Wonderland is a good thing, in the midst of depressive states my mindset is usually “I don’t care if I live or not” and right now I DO CARE.

I’m not afraid of dying, but I’m terrified to be kept alive.

I’ve had family members on ventilators, feeding tubes…artificial measures keeping them alive, for, for…what? A little while longer? A chance to recover maybe to a point of existing in a nursing home?

I was 15 when my dad died. He was diagnosed with late-stage non-hodgkin’s lymphoma in July and died the night of my first day of school, September 5th — my sophomore year. My last “I Love You” from my dad was a chicken scratch attempt of writing the words on a pad of paper, because, ventilator. He chose to NOT go to Roswell Park for treatment. I remember being angry at the time, but quickly realized, quality of life is what mattered.

My Grandmother was on a ventilator, it was the only thing keeping her alive for weeks until she passed away. My Grandfather had a feeding tube, nourishment to keep him alive, but not living a life.

I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

I won’t.

I read and read and read and read. People without any pre-existing symptoms are dying of COVID-19. I’m not one of those people, I’m obese. I have asthma & diabetes. Of course this doesn’t mean anything – I could get it and it could be a bad flu just like what I’ve had the last 8 weeks. Or I could get it and by asymptomatic. Or I could get it and end up being in a position where I’m drowning in my own lung fluid and HWMMS has to tell the doctor that his wife is DNI and I end up dying alone.

There are so very many very bad terrible things regarding COVID-19, but personally I think the worst is the “dying alone” part. Families not being able to be with their loved ones, heartwrenching. People alone, scared, confused. In pain. I just, just can’t.

AND I HAVE IT BETTER THAN SO, SO, SO MANY. This is something I never take for granted. Ever.

<———->

Dive into the All Things Coronavirus Diaries!

Click here to subscribe to All Things Jennifer by email!