HA!

Ok, I’m listening – ya don’t have to beat me over the head already.

I called out of work yesterday. Stayed in bed most of the day.

6am shift this morning. I logged in to email and found these THREE WHACKS ON THE HEAD.

Every morning I get the Daily Om inspirational newsletter and horoscope. And every so often I get a newsletter called the Emily Gazette by Emily McDowell.

Here’s what they sent today.

Making Life Work for You

Accepting the adjustments needed to make our lives work is an essential ingredient to being at peace with our situation.

Capricorn Horoscope: Retreat and Recovery

You may start the day feeling drained, and your distinct lack of energy can lead you to question whether you are fit to proceed with your plans. Yet the weariness and fatigue are likely the result of you having overextended yourself…

No Tips, Just Truth

There is a deep knowing in my body that it’s time to be quiet, to put down everything that’s put-downable, and to focus on taking care of my health in a real and sustained way. My body has been asking me for this for many years, and now she is more like telling me. She’s yelling and swearing and slamming doors and doing the shit teenagers do when the adults don’t listen to them.

I have not been listening. But I am listening now.

When we use our thoughts to override what our bodies are trying to communicate, thinking – even brilliant thinking – is actively harmful. Any tool can be a weapon, and I wonder how many of us who are really good at thinking are sometimes also slowly dying by our own hand.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

I made the decision last year to step away from my career – to focus on my health. My body needs consistency – working early morning, late night – weekends – not ideal. Autoimmune chronic illness makes me unreliable at times and I felt like I couldn’t keep up properly.

So I stepped back. And took a “simple” scanning job – PT afternoons and weekends. For now. Until I have a better handle on things and I find something that works with my schedule FT – hopefully working from home.

As in all things life, things never stay constant – as a PT employee (not Per Diem as I was hired for initially) I’m scheduled the 6 am shifts WHICH ARE KILLING ME SOFTLY.

I cannot stress how much I’m

My body caves after a week of this game. I don’t PLAN ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF SLEEPING AND BEING IN BED the day before and the day of a 6 am shift. Because my body will sleep, when it wants to sleep. And fortheloveofgod you don’t want to be around me without any sleep. I don’t get restful sleep on a good day – bad days? Oy.

But it’s not just in my head. Bad days equate to flares. Low grade fever, ffatigue while doing dishes, breathing problems, sausage fingers and even stiffer hands and feet. More lightheadness than usual (this is the newest symptom since August…) And this week – an endless achy left side going from my neck down my shoulder to my fingers.

IT COULD BE SO SO SO SO SO MUCH WORSE. And I feel like a loser even stating my issues when I have people in my life who have so much pain and chronic health issues and are doing so  much more than I do (somehow, I have NO IDEA HOW THEY DO IT!)

I’m not trying to dismiss my concerns over my own health. In fact I worry a lot because it seems new things pop up monthly out of nowhere. Chronic, progressive…I know, I know.

The lightheaded, dizzy/vertigo breathlessness feelings had me convinced this week I’m having heart issues – I’m sure my Primary Doc will run tests when I see her in a few weeks just to rule that out. I also am thinking POTS  – but that is the problem RIGHT – OVERTHINKING.